


Sufferers Anonymous

by trecorde



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternia, Alternian Slam Poetry, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Ensemble Cast, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Rap Battles, Rare Pairings, Support Group, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5741749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trecorde/pseuds/trecorde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska has a problem, but aggressively pretends she doesn't; Dirk and Rose graciously take turns dissecting hapless newcomers;  John and Feferi are <i>friendleaders!</i> and <i>here to help!</i> and just really goddamn suspicious in general; Dave is a trolling troll who trolls trolls with nothing to lose; Karkat is gloriously, bitterly ashen for everyone; and Aradia is always watching you. Yes, you.</p><p>Meanwhile, time marches steadily closer to the day that all of their lives irrevocably change.</p><p>And in the support group that nobody will admit is actually a support group, everyone tries their best to be strong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The New Kid

**suf·fer | verb**  
1\. to undergo or feel pain or distress  
2\. to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss 

So, what's your story—  
  
Lusus disemboweled in a freak accident?  
Unfortunate run-in with a swarm of parasitic shadow droppers?  
Neighbor's implacable dragonmom hoarding all the local resources?  
  
Look, we get it. Life's tough, the world ain't fair, and everything and its hairy lusus is out to get you. You're strong, see? You know you crawled out of those brooding caverns for a reason. It's just that sometimes you're dealt a crappy hand, them's the breaks, c'est la fucking vie. And there are some things you just can't tell anyone, not even to a moirail.  
  
But you're not weak, hatefriend. You're just transitioning.  
  
Welcome to SUFFERERS ANONYMOUS, a platform for those uncomfortable questions no troll can ask or answer in civilized society. We'll give you the tools you need to fix yourself before the culling drones notice. 

> AG: Enter.

arachnidsGrip [AG] joined the session.  
  
AG: So........  
AG: Hey everyone!  
AG: I should pro8a8ly say something suita8ly 8adass and introductory here.  
AG: Dish out some proper narrative exposition!  
AG: Every hero needs a good 8ackstory.  
TA: 0h dear g0d, please spare us the details.  
AG: However! I'm afraid my list of dramatic and 8rilliant achievements would take far too long to descri8e, so unfortunately I'm going to cut this a 8it short.  
AG: Also, I will 8e the 8igger troll and graciously pretend I did not see that, mustardletters, 8ecause unlike some people I actually have manners. See how consider8 I am?  
TA: ugh, whatever.  
TA: nice t0 see y0u actually speaking up f0r 0nce, i guess.  
TA: f0r a dubi0usly given meaning of the word "nice".  
TA: i was beginning t0 think y0u were g0ing t0 lurk there f0rever, but c0ngratulati0ns, l00ks like y0u finally grew a spine.  
AG: Wow, aren't you a rude little shit!!!!!!!!  
AG: I don't even know what you're talking a8out.  
AG: Lurking, my ass. Give me a 8r8k, I only got here like 8 seconds ago!  
TA: ehehehe. n0.  
TA: i'm the g0ddamn sysadmin, i can tell when s0me0ne creates an acc0unt.  
TA: y0u've been h0vering ar0und 0nline 0n and 0ff f0r a few days n0w.  
TA: presumably just watching us in silence like a grinning lurkerv0yeur.  
TA: excellent, just what we needed, an0ther aa.  
AG: Oh please! Like I'd waste my time on a dump like this.  
AG: Like I don't have so many 8etter things to 8e doing, a 8usy person like me.  
AG: Like I didn't may8e just open a few windows, just curiously you know! And forgot they were there, 8ecause that's how 8oring this place is!  
TA: c00l st0ry. i think y0u're mistaking me f0r s0me0ne wh0 gives a shit.  
AG: And you know what, it really is 8oring as hell! I can feel my interest shriveling as we speak!  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] is no longer idle.  
  
TA: l00k, i really d0n't care.  
TA: just state y0ur purp0se and 0ne 0f 0ur d0-g00der regulars can lend a hand, and then every0ne can g0 back t0 their h0rrible lives.  
GG: omigosh TA stop being such a pricklybutt!!!!  
GG: youre always scaring off our guests  
AG: Scaring? Hahahahahahahaha!  
AG: As if. Don't flatter yourself!  
GG: ughh, no, im sorry  
GG: i didnt mean it like that  
AG: Wh8ver. Who c8res? I don't! Apparently Mopey Mustardletters here doesn't, e8ther!  
AG: So I gu8ss I'll just do everyone a favor and leave, yeah?  
AG: See you all l8r.  
AG: NOT!!!!!!!!  
GG: wait!  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] left the session.  
  
TA: welp.  
GG: >:(  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined the session.  
  
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GYRATING DREADFUNGUS DEATH SPORES JUST HAPPENED HERE.  
CG: YOU WENT AND SCARED OFF ANOTHER CLIENT, DIDN'T YOU.  
GG: it certainly looks that way :\  
CG: TA, YOU DESPERATE EXCUSE OF A HOOFBEAST'S FECAL RESIDUE, THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS VENTURE.  
TA: sue me, cg.  
TA: n0t my fault the new kid was s0 sensitive.  
CG: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.  
GG: but TA thats kind of the point!!  
GG: we get a lot of sensitive people because they fall under our target demographic  
CG: YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING SAY THAT.  
GG: i mean a lot of guests already seem to think this is some kind of rent a moirail service  
GG: which always felt kind of indecent to me to be honest....  
CG: IT SEEMS I HAVE NEVER KNOWN THE TRUE TASTE OF HYPOCRISY UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT. I AM ENLIGHTENED. BLESSED AND BLASPHEMED, IN HORRIFIC SIMULTANEITY.  
GG: so we get a lot of skeevy people here  
GG: but AG didnt seem all that skeevy? just super defensive  
GG: thats why we need to be careful with newcomers!  
TA: gg, i kn0w.  
TA: y0u d0n't have t0 lecture me 0n my 0wn pr0gram, i get it. i'm a vitri0lic sundamaged n00kwipe wh0 can't figure 0ut h0w t0 interact like a sane entity 0n acc0unt 0f h0w much of a l0aths0me defective piece 0f junk he is, i am sincerely fucking s0rry.  
GG: noo dont call yourself that D:  
CG: AH, THERE GOES THE PITYBAITING. EXHIBIT A, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.  
TA: hey cg, y0u have s0mething t0 say t0 me?  
CG: TA: n0t my fault the new kid was s0 sensitive.  
CG: REMEMBER THAT? I JUST FIND IT HILARIOUS THAT *THOSE* WORDS REALLY JUST CAME OUT OF *YOUR* MOUTH.  
CG: YOU, MISTER MELODRAMA METASTASIZED.  
CG: YOU COULDN'T BE MORE SENSITIVE IF YOU WERE COMPRISED OF NOTHING BUT A TORTUOUS KNOT OF NEURAL TISSUE SUBJECT TO PERPETUAL TACTILE STIMULI.  
GG: uhhh.....  
TA: yeah? and what w0uld y0u kn0w ab0ut neural tissue, seeing as y0u never seem t0 use y0urs?  
CG: OOH, WHAT AN AMAZING COMEBACK, CONSIDER ME THOROUGHLY BURNED. I CAN FEEL THE UTTER CORROSIVE WIT EATING A HOLE STRAIGHT TOWARD MY CHEST CAVITY AND DRIBBLING DOWN ALONG MY SIDES, LEAVING HUGE SCORCHING TRAILS OF SELF-SATISFIED SNARK IN ITS WAKE. UPON OPENING MY STEAMING EYES, I WEAKLY RAISE A TREMBLING HAND TO MY FOREHEAD AND COME TO THE AMAZED, SPONGE-SHATTERING CONCLUSION THAT THE ENTIRE EXCRUCIATING ORDEAL COULD BE DESCRIBED AS ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS PAINFUL THAN AN ANT FARTING ON MY BULGE.  
TA: 0h yeah i bet y0u'd kn0w all ab0ut perpetual tactile stimuli in that regi0n.  
CG: CHOKE ON A SEAPIG'S SQUIRMING REAR FLAGELLUM AND DIE.  
TA: 0nly if y0u agree t0 h0ld the 0ther end s0 i can spit in y0ur face while i suff0cate.  
GG: ok if you two are just going to blackflirt at each other im leaving  
GG: message me if AG comes back  
GG: i want to give them a proper hello  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] left the session.  


> CA: Gossip.

CA: so  
CA: vverdict on the neww kid  
GC: HMMMM  
AC: :33 > *ac slowly swishes her tail as she pawnders*  
AC: :33 > *the truth is she has yet to talk to the newest member*  
AC: :33 > *so she isnt sure if shes the best judge of purrsonality*  
CA: no i mean havve wwe got ourselvves another regular or wwhat  
AC: :33 > oh  
GC: H4RD TO S4Y  
GC: 1 B3L13V3 1T 1S ST1LL TOO E4RLY TO T3LL  
CA: are you serious shes been droppin in like once a day since she threww that flailing shitfit on the public board  
CA: constantly interjectin wwith her octodrama  
CA: like yeah okay wwe get it youre spider themed can you please clam dowwn  
GC: 4S 1F YOUR3 ON3 TO T4LK, F1SHBOY >:]  
CA: yes but at least i possess half a modicum a self awwareness  
AC: :33 > i fur one dont s33 whats wrong with having an animal theme  
CA: wwell you wwouldnt  
GC: GO1NG B4CK TO TH3 M4TT3R 4T H4ND  
GC: FROM MY OBS3RV4T1ONS H3R B3H4V1OR FOLLOWS 4 N1GH R1TU4L1ST1C P4TT3RN  
GC: SH3 COM3S 1N  
GC: DO3S 4 B1T OF GR4ND1OS3 POSTUR1NG  
GC: TH3N 1NST4NTLY R3TR34TS ONC3 4NYON3 M4N4G3S TO S33 THROUGH H3R BULLSH1T  
GC: 4S 4 R3SULT 1T H4S B33N N34RLY H4LF 4 P3R1G33 4ND SH3 ST1LL H4SNT D1VULG3D H3R R34SON FOR B31NG H3R3  
CA: i knoww right  
CA: evven i wwasnt this bad  
GC: 1TS 4N 3SP3C14LLY 1MPR3SS1V3 F34T WH3N YOU CONS1D3R TH3 CG/GG T4G T34M 4ND TH31R MOST H1L4R1OUSLY F3RV3NT 4TT3MPTS 4T GOOD COP B4D COP  
GC: 4S W3LL 4S TT'S BRUT4L 4ND 1NC1S1V3 NOS1N3SS  
CA: just to be clear wwhich tt are wwe talkin about here  
GC: BOTH >:P  
AC: :33 > i dont know  
AC: :33 > maybe we are being too hard on her  
AC: :33 > efurryone has their own pace after all!  
AC: :33 > and if you rush a hunt you might not catch the squeakbeast  
CA: or  
CA: maybe you are just too goddamn nice for your owwn good  
CA: are you evven a troll  
CA: like if a fuckin cholerbear showwed up on your doorstep wwould you pour it tea instead a initiatin normal troll flightfight strife response  
CA: end up gettin mauled ovver chamomile  
GC: C4 TH4T W4S UNC4LL3D FOR  
GC: DONT B3 RUD3 >:[  
CA: fuck  
CA: sorry arsenic you knoww i didnt mean nothin by it  
CA: youre a damned strong trollcatgirl okay  
GC: C3RT41NLY  
GC: SH3D SL4UGHT3R TH4T UPST4RT CHOL3RB34R OV3R CH4MOM1L3 L34V3S  
GC: 4ND S34SON H3R T34 W1TH 1TS SP1CY GU4C4MOL3 BLOOD  
AC: :33 > why thank you! that flavoring sounds rather exotic, i will be sure to expurriment later  
AC: :33 > and dont worry about it ca i know you were just kitten!  
AC: :33 > beclaws it is not a good thing to be weak, weak trolls are not good trolls  
AC: :33 > but we are all strong here  
AC: :33 > and anyone who might be having difficulties   
CA: yeah i knoww  
CA: not wweak  
GC: JUST TR4NS1T1ON1NG  
GC: >:]

> AG: Enter again, you guess.

arachnidsGrip [AG] joined the session.  
  
TC: and like a miracle it came to me.  
TC: A CURSEBLESSING IN DISGUISE, THE FRIVOLOUS FEARRHYTHMS FROLICKING THROUGH MY FARCICAL FORESPONGE.  
AG: Woah, what the hell is wrong with him?  
EB: hi AG! please try not to interrupt. this is a delicate procedure.  
AG: Hey, YOU'RE interrupting too! And if this is such a huge priv8 matter, why is he airing it out on a public 8oard?  
EB: shoosh. TT's working.  
TT: If either of you are seeking to endear yourselves to me, I would very gently suggest you start by remaining silent. And if you harbor the fleeting notion of other clever ideas, feel free to bring it up with my middle finger.  
TT: Said finger is, incidentally, maneuvering my cursor so that it hovers dangerously close to the ban button.  
TT: TC? Are you still there?  
TC: yes.  
TC: ALTOGETHER TOO MUCH STILL THERE, SEASISTER.  
TC: i saw full fuckin clarity.  
TC: WITH ENOUGH EMPTINESS INSIDE TO LOSE A MOTHERFUCKER IN THE NIGHTTERROR LULLABIES SHOULD THEY GET THEIR LISTENING ON IN THE WRONG STYLE, THE WRONG SMILE.  
TC: are you listening?  
TT: I'm listening.  
TT: With, I hope, precisely the correct variety of style and smile.  
TT: Go on.  
TC: SO I SEIZED THE MIRACLE AND IT BROUGHT A SYMPHONY OF RAGELAUGHTER, ITS MUSICAL SCORE WRITTEN ALL UP IN THE BLOOD OF THE HERETICS.  
TC: i hummed the tune that unfolded behind my ganderbulbs.  
TC: AND IT WAS MOTHERFUCKIN FEAR AND GRIEF  
TC: their fear, my grief  
TC: TO DO WHAT A MOTHERFUCKER HAD TO DO AS WHAT WAS FUCKIN EXPECTED OF HIM  
TC: in this unholy waterlogged world a mine  
TC: iN tHiS uNhOlY  
TC: MOTHERFUCKING  
TC: massacre  
TT: Massacre?  
TC: YES.  
TT: Hmm.  
TC: ThE mAsSaCrEeEeE  
TT: Of the seatrolls.  
TC: OF YOUR BRETHREN.  
TC: but you've got to understand, sister.  
TC: IT WAS ME OR MOTHER FUCKING THEM.  
TC: them or motherfuckin me. :o(  
AG: W8, are you telling me this psycho killed a 8unch of seatrolls?  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] banned arachnidsGrip [AG] for 1 hour(s).  
  
TT: I understand, TC.  
TT: You made the best out of a dangerous situation.  
TC: WELL I SHOULDN'T NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MY MOTHERFUCKING SELF CLAMBERWALTZING INTO THAT DANGEROUS SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE, NOW, SHOULDN'T I?  
TT: Perhaps, but consider this. My "brethren," as you so charmingly put it, are not adverse to leisure hunting in groundspace. Your hive's continuous proximity to the shoreline is dangerous in its own right, and your lack of a lusus paints you an even larger target.  
TT: It was really only a matter of time.  
TC: aw shit, slurrysis, do you really think so?  
TT: Come now. You emerged from the fracas well and alive, which, I imagine, is more that can be said for how the vast majority of trolls might perform under similar circumstances.  
TT: Now we just have to figure out how to help you survive the interracial grudgewar this battle appears to have ignited.  
TT: Seems simple enough.  
TT: So, ideas?  
TT: Oh, right.  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] unbanned caligulasAquarium [CA].  
tentacleTherapist [TT] unbanned timaeusTestified [tt].  
tentacleTherapist [TT] unbanned gallowsCalibrator [GC].  
tentacleTherapist [TT] unbanned adiosToreador [AT].  
tentacleTherapist [TT] unbanned arachnidsGrip [AG].  
  
TT: The peanut gallery is henceforth allowed to commentate.  
AG: Holy crap, does that mean we can actually TALK again? Why thank you, your highness, for this amazing concession! I feel so lucky!  
TT: Your thanks is acknowledged. Do I need to revoke your talking privileges again?  
GC: WOW, TENTACLES, CH1LL OUT! YOU 4LR34DY B4NN3D PR4CT1C4LLY TH3 3NT1R3 ROST3R OF ONL1N3 H4T3FR13NDS  
tt: Just a little over 45%, actually.  
GC: SHUT UP OR4NG3 TT, NO ON3 4SK3D YOU  
EB: er, guys...  
CA: hey easy there gc thats a perfectly good statistic youre shittin all ovver  
CA: i mean its kind of dumb yeah but it seems to hold up under scientific scrutiny  
CA: and i can respect that  
tt: Now here's a dude who knows how he likes his empirical data. Brief, exact, and pointless outside of minor pedantic antagonism.  
CA: damn straight  
tt: You know it dog. Shit's straighter than an arrow.  
GC: B444444444RF  
CA: straighter than a linear regression trendline  
tt: So straight you could play it in poker for a middling-rank hand. So straight that certain disadvantaged sexualities of a hypothetical alien species wouldn't dare proposition it.  
AT: yOU, uH,,,  
AT: kIND OF LOST ME AT THE END THERE,  
AG: Oh my god you are all so l8me.  
CG: HORRIFYING THOUGH IT IS, FOR ONCE I FIND MYSELF AGREEING WITH THE SPIDERWITCH. I MEAN, HOLY SHIT, CAN YOU CHUCKLEHEADS JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TURN YOUR ATTENTION FROM THIS PAN-NUMBING CHATTER TO THE ACTUAL, LITERAL ISSUE AT HAND?  
CG: WE HAVE A NASCENT SUBJUGGULATOR UNDERGOING SEVERE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN  
CG: AND YOU SHITLICKERS ARE DISCUSSING HYPOTHETICAL ALIEN SEXUALITIES!  
EB: yeah guys, i think TC really needs our help!  
EB: and it'd kind of suck if he got blasted to death by seawyrms because everyone was... too busy talking about how straight they are? i dunno.  
EB: i'm with AT, i kinda lost track of where that was going.  
TT: Thank you, CG, EB.  
TT: Next person to stray off topic may find themselves experiencing the mysterious phenomenon of banhammer. You have been warned.  
TT: So, to reiterate:  
TT: Ideas?  
AG: How a8out... keep it up?  
AG: I don't see what the pro8lem is, to 8e honest. From what I gather this guy went murderhappy and killed a 8unch of attackers without 8r8king a sweat. Sounds like he's got it mostly under control!  
TC: FAITHLESS FRIEND, YOU THINK I GOT THE CHUCKLEVOODOOS UP AND UNDER MY FINE MOTHERFUCKING CONTROL?  
TC: a right fine miracle is what that is.  
TC: AND THAT AIN'T NO MIRACLE I'VE BEEN GOOD ON POSSESSIN SO FAR, THAT'S FOR MOTHER FUCKIN SURE.  
AG: Are you serious? Wow, what a waste of awesome new powers. You sure you can't just, I don't know, work on your control?  
EB: AG, i'm not sure if TC's awesome new powers is something we should rely on!  
EB: they seem kind of... capricious.  
EB: and i get the sense that TC doesn't like using them very much.  
AG: What! Why not????????  
EB: well... it makes him kill everyone when he doesn't really feel like killing everyone?  
EB: that doesn't sound so great.  
EB: at least not to me!  
AG: Why wouldn't it 8e gr8?  
AG: 8eing 8etter at killing means he's 8etter now, right? Stronger?  
AG: Isn't th8t the 8est thing a troll could 8e????????  
EB: i'm not saying you're wrong, but...  
EB: i mean, everyone is different!  
EB: so maybe even though someone is great at killing, they don't have to like it?  
AG: W8.  
AG: Are you saying he feels 8AD a8out it?  
AG: Ha.  
AG: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
AG: For serious?  
AG: What kind of weirdo fre8k is this guy!  
AG: Th8t's so...  
AG: Hil8rious!!!!!!!! All we8ky we8ky we8k on the ins8de!!!!!!!!  
AG: And soooooooo l8me, r8ght? I can't im8gine what th8t'd 8e like at 8LL!!!!!!!!  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] banned arachnidsGrip [AG] for 1 hour(s).  
  
TT: Do not use that kind of language to insult our members.  
TT: It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. You of all people should know this. Want a hint? It's exactly what you're struggling with now.  
TT: Come back after you've calmed down.  
TT: Now. Where were we?  


> tt: Form a hypothesis.

timaeusTestified [tt] started a private session.  
timaeusTestified [tt] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to private session.  
  
tt: Hey.  
tt: I thought about forgoing the usual ritual of ambiguously hostile greetings, but found the smell of tender fledgling insecurity too potent to resist. Not to intrude on GC's school of unsettling olfactory mannerisms, but that shit's downright miasmic.  
tt: Besides, today's cut of flesh seems particularly raw, so what the hell. Might as well indulge myself.  
tt: I'm feeling pretty damn carnivorous.  
AG: What the hell are you even saying?  
tt: Just being neighborly. I've seen you around, but I don't think we've directly spoken yet.  
tt: So.  
tt: Nice to meet you, fresh meat.  
AG: Wow.  
AG: Way to 8e stupidly convoluted, you creep!  
AG: So what 8rings you here? Come to gloat at the dum8 little rookie for dum8ly getting kicked off the 8oard?  
tt: What? No.  
tt: Look, it's not that big of a deal. People get banned all the time, often for much dumber reasons. It's practically a staple at this point.  
tt: Your outburst?  
tt: Compared to some of the tantrums I've seen, that was nothing.  
AG: Well the other TT sure didn't seem to think so!  
AG: Getting all snippy and defensive over that freaky looney clown. 8ut wow, in retrospect? Kind of my own fault! Look at me, needling her palemate like that. Way to poke the sleeping dragon! Good jo8, self, what a dum8 thing to do.  
AG: Stupid stupid stupid.  
tt: Where do I even begin to address this.  
tt: Ok, first of all, they aren't moirails.  
AG: You certain a8out that? Not that I care, 8ut they seemed pretty damn PALE to me!  
tt: That's because TC is palebait for everyone. Dude's seriously messed up on the inside.  
tt: And TT? She's crazy about this shit.  
tt: See: tentacleTherapist. It's in the fucking name.  
tt: When it comes down to it, TC is more of a pet project to her than anything. That's no healthy basis for a relationship.  
AG: Right, great, no diamonds.  
AG: I still don't care!  
tt: Yeah.  
tt: AG. I'm not sure if you've realized this yet.  
tt: But for all that people here flirt all the time, because apparently we're all a bunch of rampant goddamn tramps,  
tt: There's kind of an unspoken no-romance rule.  
tt: Nothing serious, at least.  
tt: This ain't a fucking dating site.  
tt: You get that, right?  


> GC: Forward your proposal.

GC: 4S 1T ST4NDS  
GC: W3 W1LL N33D TO D3V1S3 4 W4Y FOR TH3 CLOWN TO W1N 4 W4R  
GC: 4 PL4N "4" 1F YOU W1LL  
GC: W1THOUT R3SORT1NG TO H1S CHURL1SH CHUCKL3VOODOOS  
GC: WH1CH 1 SH4LL D33M TH3 3QU1V4L3NT OF PL4N "Z"  
GC: FOR TH1S 1 PROPOS3 W3 OBT41N 1NPUT FROM OUR R3S1D3NT S34 DW3LL3RS  
GC: DU3 TO TH31R 1NT1M4T3 KNOWL3DG3 OF TH3 3N3M13S H4B1TS 4ND W34KN3SS3S  
CA: ok wwell first of all i dont knoww wwhy youd wwant sea dwwellers givvin advvice on howw to wwin an interracial wwar against sea dwwellers i mean theres kind of an obvvious conflict a interest here  
CA: but dont wworry thats fine i can be objectivve  
CA: listen tc ivve read countless historical military accounts so i knoww wwhat im talkin about  
CA: an there are some strategies that are bound to showw up  
CA: mind you not all a them are obvvious  
CA: like youd think youd only havve to set up your defenses seawways  
CA: but some lusii can fly so you also gotta be on the lookout for aerial attacks  
CA: here let me dig up some tips from my good friend seatroll suntzu  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] shared a file: art_a_wwar.txt  
  
CA: an if cc wwere online she might havve more ideas so id message her wwhen she gets back  
CA: tt you got anythin to add  
CA: purple tt i mean no offense to my good science bro  
tt: None taken. Interesting file, by the way.  
CA: heh thanks  
TT: You must understand that there is an issue of resources with this approach.  
TT: Specifically, manpower.  
TT: And how a single troll is meant to defeat... how many adversaries?  
TT: Does anyone here have a firm grasp on Vengeance Theory?  
tt: Someone called?  
tt: Alright, TC. How many casualties.  
TC: got three sorry motherfuckers laid down to the dark mercies.  
TC: )o:  
tt: Ok.  
tt: I'll go the classic route and use Uchyha's second law of vengeance, assuming ideal discrete-wave antagonism conditions and a 100% mortality rate.  
tt: In which case the equation simplifies down to V*(Q*M)^n where V is the initial number of victims, Q is the quadrant correction factor, M is the caste motivation correction factor, and n is the number of iterative waves.  
EB: oh my god, bluh bluh bluh no one cares. stop showing off like an arrogant tool and just get to the point!  
tt: Dude, I'm just trying to make sure we're all on the same page.  
tt: You have a problem with it?  
tt: You give the goddamn lecture.  
EB: um, no, what i'm saying is that there shouldn't even be a lecture in the first place!  
EB: we are trying to bail people out of tough situations here, not teach them obscure revenge calculus.  
tt: It isn't calculus, jackass. None of the conditions are changing.  
tt: Maybe try to educate yourself a bit before leaping down other people's throats.  
CG: DO I HAVE TO STEP IN YET AGAIN TO IMPOSE THE STRANGE AND ESOTERIC NOTION OF COMMON FUCKING SENSE?  
CG: TT, QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE.  
CG: EB, LET THE ASSHOLE FINISH.  
tt: Right.  
EB: fine.  
tt: Anyway.  
tt: Let's assume worst case scenario, where each troll is fully and uniquely quadranted. So Q = 5.  
tt: Factoring in the average caste motivation for seatrolls, and an initial condition V = 3...   
tt: Well, after that it depends on how many iterations you anticipate.  
tt: You've got about 14 trolls in the first round, but it increases exponentially.  
tt: So within 3 rounds you'll have 330 royally pissed seatrolls fixated on your subjuggulating ass.  
TC: SHIT, BROTHER.  
TC: that's a number righteous enough to get one's fearsome on.  
CA: i nevver liked that particular model  
CA: alwways struck me as unrealistic  
TT: Nevertheless, it is sufficient to highlight the issue I had been attempting to describe.  
TT: Notice how quickly the number of enemies grow.  
GC: HMM  
GC: TH1S 1S UND3RST4ND4BL3  
GC: TH3 CYCL3 OF R3TR1BUT1V3 JUST1C3 1S NOT 4 L3N13NT ON3  
GC: 4ND THOS3 WHO PURSU3 1T OFT3N C4RRY 4 GR1M D3D1C4T1ON BORD3R1NG ON TH3 F4N4T1C4L  
TT: Yes.  
TT: So unless one of us is hiding a minor army up their sleeves, I think we can all agree that pursuing this conflict would be laughably unsustainable.  
CA: dammit  
CA: does that mean i hunted dowwn my old military notes for nothin  
CA: screww it im out  
  
caligulasAquarium [AG] left the session.  
  
AT: iF, uHHH,  
AT: tHAT IS THE CASE, aND THERE IS NO CONCEIVABLE WAY, tO CONFRONT THE OPPOSITION,  
AT: pERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSIDER, tHEORETICALLY, a METHOD THAT INVOLVES, nOT AS MUCH CONFRONTATION,  
AT: sUCH AS LEAVING, tHE AREA OF CONFRONTATION,  
AT: nOT TO SAY, rUNNING AWAY IN AN UNCONFIDENT ESCAPEY FASHION,  
AT: bUT MORE IN THE SPIRIT OF TACTICAL RETREAT,  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] joined the session.  
  
AG: So... 8asically...  
AG: Running away.  
AG: Call it what it is, dope!  
CG: FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC, THE SPIDER IS BACK. I BELIEVE WE'VE ALL JUST ENJOYED THE SHORTEST HOUR THE UNIVERSE HAS EVER HAD THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SPITE TO OFFER.  
CG: AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION THIS "DOPE" HAS, THUS FAR, THE MOST SENSIBLE IDEA OUT OF OUR ENTIRE BAND OF TRIGGERHAPPY WARMONGERS. WHICH, GRANTED, ISN'T SAYING MUCH, BUT THERE YOU GO.  
CG: AS FOR MY TWO CAEGARS  
CG: THAT IS, IF ANYONE GIVES EVEN A FRACTION OF A HIGH-FLYING PIROUETTING FLIP ABOUT MY TWO CAEGARS  
CG: I THINK TC SHOULD RELOCATE.  
CG: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR HIM TO STAY, HIS HOME FUCKING SUCKS AND EVERYONE'S OUT TO MURDER HIM.  
tt: Hey, man, simmer down. I'll see your caegars and raise you a couple of emphatic flips.  
tt: Where do you live, TC?  
EB: oh HELL no.  
tt: And there goes yet another interruption in eye-searing blue. Could just be me, but I'm sensing a pattern here.  
EB: TC, don't answer him!  
EB: he's a manipulative creeper who's only asking to find out where you live so he can synchronize your coordinates with some sort of fucked up global positioning system that navigates his stupid swarm of robotic drones to carry out his sadistic weirdo hobbies.  
AT: oK,  
AT: dOES ANYONE ELSE FIND THAT, sOMEWHAT,  
AT: dISTURBINGLY SPECIFIC,  
tt: EB.  
tt: Bro.  
tt: Give me a little credit here.  
tt: And pay some attention to the context while you're at it.  
tt: TC? Dude's in dire fucking danger. I'm an asshole, but not that much of an asshole.  
tt: You? You're the spacey blue twerp who'd give out his address to any random stranger who asks nicely.  
tt: As far as I'm concerned I did your gullible ass a favor.  
tt: And really,  
tt: What's a little minor collateral damage in light of some actual survival skills?  
EB: minor... collateral...   
EB: I HAD TO FIND A NEW HIVE, YOU ENORMOUS DOUCHE!!!  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned ectoBiologist [EB] for 1 hour(s).  
  
TT: I warned you about the bans, bro.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned timaeusTestified [TT] for 1 hour(s).  
  
TT: I told you dog.  
GC: 1T K33PS H4PP3N1NG  


> ==>

tt: Oh hey, look, I was banned as well.  
tt: See? This is exactly what I was talking about.  
tt: Happens a couple times a day.  
tt: No biggie.  
AG: ::::P  


> ==>

CG: WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, CAN WE ACTUALLY PROCEED TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION?  
CG: AND THAT WAS RHETORICAL, WE'RE HAVING A PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION WHETHER YOU PEOPLE LIKE IT OR NOT.  
CG: I SWEAR YOU ARE ALL LIKE STUBBORN BRAINDEAD LARVAL WIGGLERS TRAPPED INSIDE POORLY SPUN COCOONS.  
CG: FORCING ME TO PERSONALLY DRAG YOU ALL SCREAMING FROM YOUR PATHETIC METAMORPHOSIS PODS, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO SAVE MYSELF FROM HAVING TO WATCH AN ETERNITY OF SHITTY UNDERAGED FLAILING.  
AG: So how did E8 find a new hive?  
CG: EXCUSE ME?  
AG: You heard me!  
AG: Just so you know, I'm rolling my eyes here pretty hard, CG.  
AG: And to think you were the one going on and on a8out a productive conversation. Leave it to the new kid to keep things on track, huh? I am just so impressed with the organization of this program and the quality of its administrators!  
AG: Soooooooo impressed!  
CG: PUTTING YOUR MASSIVELY UNHOLY EGO STROKING ASIDE FOR A MOMENT, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT.  
AG: Didn't you say the clown guy needs to 8e reloc8ted?  
AG: Carpenter droids only work for the really young trolls, so it's not like he can just go up and ask for a new hive.  
AG: So how did E8 get his?  
GC: TH4T 1S 34SY TO 4NSW3R  
GC: B3C4US3 1 W4S TH3 ON3 WHO PROCUR3D 1T FOR H1M  
AG: Oh.  
AG: Really?  
AG: He trusted you just like that. After... whatever it was tt pulled on him?  
GC: W3LL T1M43US 1S R1GHT 1N TH4T 3CTO 1S 4 G1G4NT1C OV3RLY TRUST1NG W33N13  
GC: BUT 1 D1DNT JUST G1V3 1T TO H1M FOR FR33 YOU KNOW  
GC: 1T W4S L3SS OF 4 BL1ND TRUST TH1NG  
GC: 4ND MOR3 OF 4N HONOR4BL3 TR4NS4CT1ON  
AG: So, what, he showered you in gold or something?  
GC: WH4T H3 G4V3 M3  
GC: 1S PROB4BLY MOR3 TH4N 4NYTH1NG YOU COULD 3V3R PROV1D3 >:]  
AG: Whatever.  
AG: I still don't get why you seem to have this a8undance of extra hives.  
AG: Isn't that a little weird?  
AG: Am I the only one who thinks that's a little weird?  
AG: Like she's some sort of serial killer who goes around offing people for their real est8te?  
GC: G4SP!  
GC: WH4T 4 SL4ND3ROUS 4CCUS4T1ON TH1S 1S  
CG: LOOK, AG, THE FACT THAT GC IS WEIRD IS NEWS TO EXACTLY NO ONE.  
TT: Agreed.  
TT: But stick around and you'll learn that at a certain point, we tend not to question each other too much over our respective personal lives.  
TT: There is a very good reason for the "Anonymous" portion of our title.  
GC: Y3S TH4TS B4S1C4LLY 1T  
GC: 1 WONT R3V34L MY M3THODS B3C4US3 1T FR4NKLY 1SNT 4NYON3S BUS1N3SS  
GC: BUT 1F TC N33DS 4 B3TT3R PL4C3 TO L1V3  
GC: 1 KNOW 4 PL4C3  
CG: EXCELLENT.  
CG: THEN I THINK WE'RE JUST ABOUT DONE HERE.  
CG: GC, CAN YOU SET UP A PRIVATE SESSION WITH TC?  
GC: YOU GOT 1T MR 4DM1N >;]  


> ==>

AG: Siiiiiiiigh.  
AG: Ok, let's try this again, since I don't think I caught you the first time.  
AG: What did you want with me again?  
tt: Well, there's a question I've been nursing.  
tt: Been nursing it slow and steady, like a particularly bitter yeast-fermented soporific.  
tt: Now, having mulled over it all night,  
tt: I thought it'd be cool to have an answer before I retire for the morning.  
AG: Um, okay........?  
AG: Sure, ask away, I guess.  
tt: Sweet.  
tt: So.  
tt: Who'd you kill that's got you so upset?  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] left the session.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] blocked timaeusTestified [tt].  


> tt: Draw a conclusion.

timaeusTestified [tt] started a private session.  
timaeusTestified [tt] added tentacleTherapist [TT] to private session.  
  
tt: Fuckin' called it.  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. To Be Continued, tentatively. Got the vaguest glimmerings of a plot nestled in the back of my head, but not much else. Relationships? Hahaha what are those? Don't ask me, your guess is as good as mine. I don't know what the heck I'm doing! :D
> 
> [17 Jun 2016] EDIT: I am slowly beginning to populate the relationship tags! Crackships/rarepairs ahoy!
> 
> 2\. If you see any typos or whatnot, feel free to point them out to me! My rampant perfectionism can never be too sated.
> 
> 3\. For those curious, Troll Saskay Uchyha is the pioneer of Vengeance Theory. (Clearly, this is the most important footnote.)


	2. Desert Maid

> GG: Be the good cop.

gardenGnostic [GG] joined the private session.  
  
GG: AG!  
GG: sorry to bother you again...  
GG: its just that youve been gone for a while now and everyone is getting a little worried!!!!!  
GG: also i would like to apologize about tt  
GG: i dont know exactly what he said to you but please do not take it to heart!  
GG: he is a gigantic butt who is made of butts  
GG: the prince of butt mountain  
GG: its him  
GG: ...  
GG: .........  
GG: its ok AG you dont have to talk to me  
GG: i just want you to know that its totally alright to feel whatever it is youre feeling  
GG: and that you are welcome to come back here anytime  
GG: nobody will push you before youre ready  
GG: and by that i mean  
GG: nobody will DARE  
GG: i will make sure of that :)  
GG: so um  
GG: just  
GG: whenever you feel better  
GG: maybe drop by!  
GG: i would love to hear from you again  
GG: i mean  
GG: everyone would!  
GG: even CG, although he expresses this by shouting a lot  
GG: okay i will let you go about your business now!  
GG: see you later, hopefully!!  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] left the private session.  
  


> CG: Be the... um. The other cop.

carcinoGeneticist [GG] started a private session.  
carcinoGeneticist [GG] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to private session.  
  
CG: ALLOW ME TO PREFACE THIS WITH A HEARTFELT DISCLAIMER.  
CG: YOU KNOW, IN THE SPIRIT OF MAKING THE MISERABLE CONTINUATION OF OUR EXISTENCES BOTH EASIER AND MARGINALLY LESS AWKWARD.  
CG: BECAUSE ON THIS HIDEOUS PLANE OF REALITY THAT TROLLKIND HAS BEEN CURSED TO INHABIT, WE ALL HAVE TO CREATE OUR OWN SMALL BLESSINGS, MICROSCOPIC THOUGH THEY MAY BE.  
CG: SO LISTEN.  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.  
CG: YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME.  
CG: THERE IS A MUTUAL STAGNATION IN INTERPERSONAL EXCHANGE OF FECULENCE HAPPENING IN THIS FARCE OF A RELATIONSHIP WE RELUCTANTLY SHARE. WHICH I SUPPOSE IS ANOTHER SMALL BLESSING WE'VE PAINSTAKINGLY NURTURED INTO FRUITION, SO GOOD JOB, US!  
CG: BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT GG HAS BEEN AGONIZING OVER EVERY TINY THING SHE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DONE TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR CURRENT M.I.A. STATUS, AS PER HER OVERINVESTMENT IN SOME INSANE TROLL PLATONIC IDEAL OF BEING THE "PERFECT HOST."  
CG: WHICH IS PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD, BUT WHATEVER. I DON'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND HER ISSUES.  
CG: I DO UNDERSTAND THAT HER OBSESSION IS LAYING WASTE TO THE LAST REMAINING TENUOUS STRANDS OF MY PATIENCE, AS WELL AS MY GENERAL PSYCHOLOGICAL WELLBEING.  
CG: AND SINCE SHE HAS THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING WHAT AMOUNTS TO MY BEST FRIEND, WHILE YOU ARE LITTLE MORE THAN SOME PASSING ASSHOLE,  
CG: I AM HEREBY AWARDING YOU THE BLAME FOR MY CURRENT SUFFERING.  
CG: CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS!  
CG: NOW GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE MY ALL-ENCOMPASSING FURY GROWS MASSIVE ENOUGH TO WRENCH ALTERNIA OUT OF ORBIT BY THE SHEER STRENGTH OF ITS PHYSICS-BREAKING GRAVITATIONAL RAGE FIELD.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] left the private session.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined the private session.  
  
CG: OK BUT SERIOUSLY  
CG: IT REALLY ISN'T HEALTHY TO BOTTLE UP ALL YOUR SHIT LIKE THAT.  
CG: PRESUMABLY YOU JOINED S.A. FOR A REASON, UNLESS YOU'RE SOME KIND OF OBNOXIOUS TROLLING INSTIGATOR, IN WHICH CASE FUCK OFF BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THAT BRAND OF JUVENILE BULLSHIT.  
CG: FOR NOW I'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF DOUBT, BECAUSE YOU SEEM GENUINELY SCREWED UP TO ME.  
CG: SO GO AHEAD AND IGNORE TT, BOTH OF THEM.  
CG: GO AHEAD AND IGNORE ME.  
CG: BUT NOT ALL OF US ARE TACTLESS ASSHOLES. FOR SOME REASON UNKNOWABLE TO ALL RATIONAL ENTITIES, YOU GOT ALONG REASONABLY WELL WITH EB, RIGHT?  
CG: JUST  
CG: I DON'T KNOW. TRY IT OUT, I GUESS.  
CG: MAYBE IT'D HELP.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] left the private session.  


> EB: Be the... other other good cop? This metaphor is rapidly falling apart.

ectoBiologist [EB] started a private session.  
ectoBiologist [EB] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to private session.  
  
EB: hi!  
AG: Oh my GOD do you people even have LIVES????????  
EB: woah.  
EB: is this a bad time?  
AG: I AM N8T HAVING A 8AD TIME! YOU 8RE THE ONES M8KING THIS A 8AD TIME, YOU UNSETTLING CH88RFUL FREAKS!  
AG: Is it really too much to ask for everyone to SHUT THE HELL UP AND ST8P 8OTH8RING ME FOR ONE D8MNED SEC8ND?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] left the private session.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB].  
  
EB: um.  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] did not receive your message. 

> Completely unrelated party: Enter.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined the session.  
  
GA: Hello  
  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is no longer idle.  
  
AA: hi  
AA: :)  
GA: Oh Its You  
GA: This Is Certainly Rare  
GA: Were I Not So Doubtful Of The Certitude Of A Forthcoming Reply I Would Pose A Query As To What I Owe This Pleasure  
AA: i was just thinking  
AA: and  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] joined the session.  
  
AC: :33 > gaaaaaaaaa!!!  
GA: Oh Dear  
GA: Is That An Elongated Representation Of My Handle Acronym  
GA: Or An Impassioned Expression of Dismay At My Long Dreaded Return  
GA: Please Clarify So That I May React Accordingly  
AC: :33 > its going to be 100 purrcent the latter if you dont stop teasing, miss purrsnickety prissypants!  
GA: Very Well  
GA: Although For The Record I Am Unsure If I Can Endorse Such A Title  
GA: As Typically Speaking I Do Not Wear Pants  
AC: :OO > oh my my  
AC: :33 > a little tmi there, ga!  
GA: What  
GA: Oh  
GA: Yes That Did Come Out A Little More Indecent Than Intentioned  
AC: :33 > suuuuuure it did ;33  
GA: Okay  
GA: I See How It Is  
GA: You Are Free To Partake In Activities Of Facetious Banter Whereas I Am Altogether Forbidden Is That It  
GA: Excuse Me I Meant Furbidden  
AC: :33 > h33h33 yes thats it exactly! X33  
AC: :33 > but seriously though  
AC: :33 > youve b33n gone for so long, ive s33n less of you than aa even! which is really saying something  
GA: AA Is Always Here Though  
GA: An Eternal Presence  
GA: Watching Us Silently  
AC: :33 > blrawrgh you make her sound so cr33py!  
AC: :33 > she purrobably just furgets to log off  
AC: :33 > its not like shes the only one who does that, ta is always online too  
TA: the maj0r difference being that i actually interact with pe0ple.  
GA: Yes Thats True  
GA: I Clearly Recall Your Prompt Salutation Of Welcome In Response To My Earlier Entrance  
GA: Oh Wait  
TA: i said interact, n0t greet at the d00r like s0me kind 0f desperate barkbeast awaiting its masters return fr0m her chainsaw massacre vacati0n.  
TA: why are the tw0 0f y0u even up anyway, isn't it like heavy radiati0n h0ur in y0ur respective timez0nes?  
AC: :33 > well hello to you too, grumpyguts  
AC: :33 > and my business is none of your business!!!  
AC: :33 > but if you must know im prepping myself for some early evening stalking  
AC: :33 > flying ferrets are shy crepuscular creatures that require a gentle touch before they can be propurrly clawed to death  
AC: :33 > also  
AC: :33 > i think you mean THR33 of us? dont forget aa is here too!  
AC: :33 > speaking of which, hi there aa!!  
  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is now idle.  
  
AC: :33 > ...  
GA: ...  
TA: ...  
AC: :33 > nevermind i guess i scared her away  
AC: :33 > again  
AC: :33 > i dont think she likes talking to me :((  
TA: yeah, well.  
TA: i w0uldn't read t00 much int0 it.  
GA: Yes She Seems Generally Skittish Towards Everyone But For A Select Few Individuals  
AC: :33 > i guess  
AC: :33 > i still f33l bad about it though  


> AA: Abscond to another session.

apocalypseArisen [AA] joined the private session.  
  
AA: hi  
AA: its me again  
AA: hmm  
AA: i just remembered  
AA: its sleeping time isnt it  
AA: thats fine  
AA: i can wait  


> AC: Recover quickly.

AC: :33 > so, ga, what have you b33n up to?  
AC: :33 > that is if you dont mind me asking  
AC: :33 > sorry if im being too purrsonal, its just that i have not s33n you around in furever!  
TA: ac it was barely a perigee.  
AC: :33 > fur3333v33333333rrrrr!  
GA: I Have Been A Bit Preoccupied With Matters Of Survival  
GA: Specifically Mine  
GA: And I Do Apologize For My Prolonged Absence But Please Understand That This Particular Issue Is Kind Of Important To Me  
AC: :33 > oh no no no  
AC: :33 > ga are you ok!  
TA: shit. are y0u still having tr0uble with shad0w dr0ppers?  
GA: I Suppose In The Sense That Their Marrow Provides Remarkably Inadequate Sustenance Then Yes You Could Say Im Having Trouble With Shadow Droppers  
TA: wait. are y0u saying  
TA: y0u're EATING them n0w?  
TA: as in y0u're literally pr0pelling their sunbleached mummified remains int0 y0ur pr0tein chute in s0me sad attempt t0 abs0rb a few nutrients when it passes thr0ugh y0ur digesti0n chamber?  
GA: Yes Very Good TA That Is Indeed The Definition Of Eating  
TA: bite me ga, i'm trying t0 express s0me g0ddamn fucking c0ncern here.  
AC: :33 > its weird, though  
AC: :33 > bone marrow is usually very nutritious  
GA: A Quality It Appears To Have Lost Upon Its Expiration And Subsequent Reanimation  
AC: :33 > seriously? >:\\\  
AC: :33 > meow, the undead are so dumb and useless!!  
AC: :33 > i mean why cant some things just STAY DEAD you know? instead of reanimating as gross apawminations that arent even good to eat  
AC: :33 > even though THEY can eat YOU! such hypurrcrites!  
AC: :33 > if i werent as sensitive to sunlight  
AC: :33 > i would go out and rip them all to kitty bitty pieces with my furryous claws  
AC: :33 > and then you wouldnt have to deal with their bs all the time!  
GA: Thats  
GA: Sure Some Intent To Murder Youre Expressing Here  
GA: Appreciated Underlying Sentiment Notwithstanding  
AC: :33 > lol! you flatterer X33  
AC: :33 > its not murder if theyre already dead, silly  
GA: No  
GA: I Suppose Not  
TA: can we all just  
TA: rewind f0r a m0ment.  
TA: ga, when the hell did y0u start eating the living dead?  
GA: Chronologically Speaking  
GA: After My Lusus Died  
TA: ...0h.  


> AA: Ramble.

AA: and such a blatant refutation of the aristocratic ideology is commonly believed to have triggered the massive caste war that followed  
AA: although there are those who think the real watershed was the attempted assassination of the then grand highblood noxglove duskgrin  
AA: which to my knowledge was actually an entirely unrelated event  
AA: however pinning the blame on the separatists was a convenient way to stir unrest  
AA: but as is often the case in history the calamity was a result of multiple contributing factors  
AA: one of which was the sudden disappearance of the head of the conservative faction  
AA: academonics to this day can only speculate as to the reason  
AA: according to the chironicler it would seem that the conservative leader vanished the night after receiving a mysterious note  
AA: some cry foul play  
AA: others believe he left entirely of his own volition  
AA: historical accounts describe him as a staunchly solitary soul  
AA: perhaps he left out of aversion to societal interaction  
AA: perhaps he left out of disillusionment with the reigning political ideology  
AA: perhaps he left out of investigative curiosity toward his anonymous missive  
AA: but then again who can decipher the whimsical reasoning of the quixotic  
AA: ...  
AA: are you back yet  
AA: i guess not  
AA: ok im going to delve into subclassical southeast alterniasian history now  


> TA: Initiate self-loathing.

TA: shit.  
TA: shit i am such a t00l.  
TA: i sh0uld have remembered that.  
TA: dammit why didn't i remember that?  
GA: Its Alright TA Dont Beat Yourself Up Over It  
GA: Though Of Course I Miss My Lusus I Am Free To Find Solace In A Plethora Of Fond Memories Which Is Not A Luxury Every Troll In Our Group Can Claim To Enjoy  
GA: She Has Provided Well For Me In My Youth  
GA: Perhaps Too Well  
AC: :33 > what do you mean?  
GA: The Desert I Inhabit Has Never Been Particularly Kind To Either Flora Or Fauna  
GA: Especially During The Bright Seasons  
GA: It Is Too Exposed And The Sun Too Unforgiving  
GA: Even At Night The Local Wildlife Does Not Tend To Venture Near The Surface  
GA: The Powerful Burrowing Skills Of My Lusus Allowed Her To Hunt Netherbeasts And Earthcrawlers In The Underdeep  
GA: Unfortunately These Skills Are Not Ones That I Possess In Spades  
GA: Or In Any Capacity Really  
TA: 0kay, s0 fauna's 0ut.  
TA: what ab0ut fl0ra?  
AC: :33 > oh yes! ga didnt you tell us you had a garden?  
GA: Only In A Purely Cosmetic Sense  
GA: It Doesnt Exactly Grow Food  
TA: c0smetic.  
TA: really?  
TA: ga y0u abs0lute weird0.  
AC: :33 > sooo weird, right! but its kind of cute, h33h33  
GA: Oh Hush You Two  
GA: Lately Ive Been Subscribing To Mainstream Utilitarianism More Often Than Not  
GA: So My Lawnring Is Somewhat Dilapidated  
GA: Ive Scarcely The Time For Landscaping  
TA: 0h yeah that's right, we were discussing y0ur recent utilitarian practice 0f taking things that have been DEAD F0R SWEEPS and stuffing them d0wn y0ur MEAL TUNNEL.  
TA: y0u've g0t t0 d0 s0mething ab0ut that.  
TA: like am i seri0usly the 0nly 0ne wh0 thinks that can't be healthy.  
GA: As Much As Id Prefer Otherwise I Am A Bit Low On Options  
GA: Right Now Im Mostly Invested In Immediate Survival  
GA: And If Festerclumpers Happen To Be The Most Plentiful Resource In The Immediate Vicinity Then Festerclumpers I Will Hunt  
AC: :33 > hmm what a dilemma :((  
AC: :33 > well i dont know how helpful i can be here  
AC: :33 > but if you want i can give you some hunting advice!  
AC: :33 > *the grand huntress supreme says magnanimousely*  
AC: :33 > *granted not many sunwalkers venture near her lovely dark cave*  
AC: :33 > *but with her expurrtise she knows that some hunting techniques are universally applickable!*  
GA: Of Course  
GA: Although The Grand Huntress Supreme May Need To Acquire Another Title Of Address  
GA: As From What I Recall  
GA: GG Has Laid Claim To A Similar Designation  
TA: 0h my g0d did y0u really have t0 bring that up.  
AC: :33 > gg can kiss my ass!!!!!!  
TA: great j0b ga, y0u've g0ne and set her 0ff. have fun guys, brb.  
AC: :33 > all she does is skulk behind bushes like a wounded skitterprey and pellet things from afar  
AC: :33 > just SO pawthetic!  
AC: :33 > but i dont n33d a fancy rifle, oh no  
AC: :33 > my methods are far more intimate  
AC: :33 > they are drawn from the innermost reaches of soul and instinct  
AC: :33 > honed to razor edges by the whetstone of cold hard experience  
AC: :33 > because when youve snapped a creatures cervical vertebrae with your t33th  
AC: :33 > when youve taken st33l to throat to severed carotid  
AC: :33 > and drowned a quarry in its own arterial pump fluid  
AC: :33 > and plundered its concave underarm for access to the vital elastic respurration air sacs  
AC: :33 > and fended off yucky necrotic toxins and prehensile barbed skin hairs while your cornered preys secondary nervous system activates because you made a rookie mistake and forgot to destroy the backup spinal cord  
AC: :33 > well it gives you a k33ner purrspective of things  
AC: :33 > dont you think?  
GA: Uh  


> TA: Contact the other grand huntress supreme.

twinArmageddons [TA] started a private session.  
twinArmageddons [TA] added gardenGnostic [GG] to private session.  
  
TA: hey gg.  
TA: if y0u can stand ac's presence f0r tw0 flipping sec0nds with0ut g0ing nuclear, h0w ab0ut y0u amble y0ur way d0wn t0 the public b0ard.  
TA: ga c0uld really use y0ur shithive survivalist c0unseling, like five sweeps ag0.  
TA: she's been reduced t0 eating reanimated b0nes, it is basically the saddest thing i've ever seen.  
TA: metaph0rically speaking.  
TA: wait.  
TA: i'm an idi0t.  
TA: f0rg0t it was y0ur 0ff day.  
TA: h0ly bilgecreaking scumfibers is my thinkpan rusted t0 shit, i am f0rgetting every m0thergrubbing thing aren't i.  
TA: ugh whatever.  
TA: gg y0u keep the weirdest schedule, y0u kn0w that.  
TA: which is saying s0mething, because ga's ins0miac t0 the p0int 0f being diurnal.  
TA: d0n't b0ther replying t0 me, just message ga 0nce y0u get this 0k?  
  
twinArmageddons [TA] left the private session.  


> TA: Return.

TA: s0 is it safe t0 c0me back n0w.  
GA: Dont Worry I Think We Are Done Evoking Vivid Imagery Of Anatomical Trauma  
TA: 0k c00l.  
GA: AC Seemed Um  
GA: Agitated  
TA: eheheh w0w understatement 0f the century.  
GA: I Suggested She Blow Off Some Steam  
GA: So She Embarked On Her Aforementioned Twilit Quest  
GA: With Much Fervor  
TA: yeah i bet.  
TA: sheesh that kid really needs a m0irail.  
GA: She Has Also Promised To Forward Me The Leftovers From Her Hunt  
TA: huh.  
TA: she's pyxing them t0 y0u?  
GA: Yes  
  
ectoBiologist [EB] joined the session.  
  
TA: well it's as g00d a temp0rary s0luti0n as any, i guess.  
EB: evening guys!  
EB: temporary solution to what?  
GA: Hello EB  
GA: And Nothing Much Really We Were Just Discussing ACs Planned Distribution Of Freshly Caught Airborne Mustelids  
EB: oh man i have got to hear about this.  
EB: flying condiments sound like my kind of tomfoolery!  
EB: but hang on for a moment, i am getting like a zillion messages.  
GA: I Said Mustelid Not Mustard  
  
ectoBiologist [EB] is now idle.  
  
GA: Dammit EB  
GA: Why Would "Freshly Caught Airborne Mustards" Ever Be A Thing That I Would Even Say  
TA: yeah, it s0unds like the name 0f a really crappy tv sh0w ab0ut l0wbl00d abuse.  


> ==>

AA: it is difficult to tell because of all the deleted historical data  
AA: but i believe the age of rationalism owed itself largely in part to the mandarins philosophy of language  
AA: from what can be deciphered from her writings circa 100 BC  
AA: she preached precision of discourse  
AA: and rectification of names in accordance with a greater truth  
AA: so that society like a mirror would reflect truth back among its populace  
AA: the young mandarin believed this would alleviate societal dysfunction  
AA: facilitate intercaste communication  
AA: and promote harmony  
AA: as a blueblood her proposal went largely ignored by her peers and the higher levels of aristocracy  
AA: but her ideas were more popular among the lower castes  
AA: and so despite upper class quiescence  
AA: alterniasia experienced a revolution of language among its proletariat  
AA: alas it only served to widen the cultural gap in the hemohierarchy  
AA: furthermore  
AA: when you consider the diaspora of alterniasian slaves  
  
ectoBiologist [EB] joined the private session.  
  
EB: oh my god what is this!  
AA: particularly the formation of cultural stereoty  
AA: ah  
AA: eb  
AA: hi  
AA: :)  
EB: holy crap AA, what have i told you about turning my inbox into an encyclopedia!  
EB: it is WAY too early in the evening for a crash course on the history of everything.  
AA: but  
AA: history is wonderful  
EB: says you! :p  
EB: not everyone can get super hyped about some angry old fogey who declared war on another old fogey because, like... he told a bad joke or something?  
EB: and socio- economi- politi- religious blah blah blah shenanigans and then a million people died.  
AA: im not sure thats entirely fair  
AA: the knock knock massacre signified a huge paradigm shift in political culture  
EB: it was super depressing!  
EB: pretty much 90% of history is depressing. i don't know why you get so excited about the stuff.  
AA: well i admit i do get excited sometimes  
AA: but i can promise you that its never over the pain and suffering of others  
AA: does it really look that way  
AA: to everyone else  
EB: um...  
EB: a little bit, i think!  
AA: sorry  
EB: it's ok.  
EB: actually, that's probably a good image to have in our society.  
EB: i just kind of wish it didn't have to be.  
AA: if you want  
AA: i can try to tone it down  
AA: the excitement  
EB: what? no!  
EB: you just keep doing your thing, AA.  
EB: to be honest, i think it's cool you're so passionate about history, even though i don't really understand it myself.  
EB: i mean, between you and tt and TT and TA and GG...  
EB: sometimes i feel like i'm surrounded by geniuses!  
EB: like what the heck were you even saying in that last bit up there, something about alterniasia and languages?  
AA: just a story  
AA: about a mandarin  
AA: i thought you might be interested  
AA: since she shared your sign  
EB: uh, wow. really?  
EB: lepus?  
AA: yes  
EB: okay.  
EB: i... guess that's pretty neat?  
EB: i'm not sure i believe in all that super special fate and destiny stuff about ancestors, but i sure didn't know they could be oranges.  
AA: a mandarin is not an orange  
AA: its a type of government official in an ancient alterniasian subsect  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: just kidding you, AA!  
EB: i am reasonably sure that none of us descended from a citrus fruit.  
AA: oh  
AA: well in that case  
AA: i think thats a very reasonable assumption  
AA: im proud of you  
EB: haha ok.  
EB: but enough of this silliness.  
EB: you still haven't answered my first question!  
AA: what question  
EB: what is all of this!  
EB: what brings you and your miles and miles of red text to my fine corner of the internet at such an early hour?  
AA: i dont know  
AA: well i mean  
AA: theres  
AA: earlier  
AA: i almost  
AA: well actually i was just  
AA: watching the board i suppose  
EB: ?  
AA:   
EB: AA?  
AA: i dont know  
AA: maybe i just  
AA: wanted to talk to someone  
EB: ok.  
EB: what do you want to talk about?  
AA: i dont know  
EB: hmm.  
EB: well...  
EB: have you seen the latest troll indiana jones movie?  
EB: :)  
AA: oh  
AA: yes!  
AA: :)  


> ==>

gardenGnostic [GG] started a private session.  
gardenGnostic [GG] added grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to private session.  
  
GG: GA!!!  
GG: sorry i couldnt be here yesterday :(  
GG: TA told me what was going on  
GG: are you ok!!  
GA: Im Fine  
GA: Ive Had Um  
GA: Some Assistance  
GG: assistance?  
GG: are you talking about AC???  
GG: no no no no no  
GG: her plan is so stupid!  
GG: does she really think she can feed you for the rest of your homeworld lives  
GG: did she even ask for anything in return?  
GA: Er  
GG: are you kidding me!!!!!  
GG: how can she expect a troll to just live off of indefinite charity like that, thats just cruel  
GA: Well Naturally Id Assumed Some Manner Of Implicit Favor  
GA: To Be Collected Sometime In The Future  
GG: nooo GA, ambiguous favors are REALLY DANGEROUS  
GG: we do not demand ambiguous favors from our guests!  
GG: that would be really terrible and mean  
GG: AC should know this  
GA: Not That Your Concern Isnt Appreciated Or Justifiable But Im Not Sure Youre Being Completely Fair  
GA: I Dont Think She Offered Out Of Malice  
GG: aaarrggrrr  
GG: it doesnt matter what her intentions are!  
GG: she is way too impulsive to be trusted  
GG: look GA i will try to help you  
GG: in a CLEAR and STRAIGHTFORWARD and PRACTICAL way  
GG: you mentioned you had a garden  
GA: Yes  
GA: But  
GG: yes yes purely cosmetic i know!!  
GG: but the fact that youre able to grow anything at all is good  
GG: it implies you have a reliable source of water  
GG: and fertile soil  
GG: and shade  
GA: You Are Correct  
GA: My Hive Runs On Groundwater  
GA: And The Region In Which I Currently Inhabit Was Previously Of The Volcanic Persuasion  
GG: mmm yes! volcanic soil is the best  
GA: The Shade On The Other Hand Is Synthetic  
GA: Engineered From Large Banners Of Fabric  
GG: ok  
GG: that sounds doable  
GG: listen GA im going to pyx you some seeds from my greenhouse  
GG: you can use them to grow crops!  
GG: once you have a source of food  
GG: you wont have to rely on ACs messy dumb hunting anymore!  
GG: what do you say?  
GA: Well  
GA: I Say That This Is Very Nice Of You To Offer But  
GA: Im Not Certain It Is Something I Should Accept  
GG: what???  
GG: why not!  
GG: what the hell makes me different from AC!!!!  
GA: No Its Nothing Personal  
GA: I Am Just Dubious As To The  
GA: Uh  
GA: Nourishment Value  
GA: To Be Derived From Such A Venture  
GG: oh thats not a problem GA! i will make sure they are resilient and swift growing and that they provide a wide variety of nutrients  
GA: I  
GA: Well Ok But  
GA: Im Not Sure I Can Afford Another Indefinite Favor Right Now  
GG: dont worry!  
GG: i already have one in mind :)  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] shared a file: ohnooooo.png  
  
GG: as you can see  
GG: one of my favorite outfits got messed up  
GG: like reeeeally badly ._.  
GG: acrimonkeys are such temperamental creatures...  
GG: anyway what do you think miss seamstress ragripper?  
GG: is it within your stitchpro seampunk abilities to fix it up? :)  
GG: ...GA?  
GG: are you still here?  
GA: Yes Im Here  
GA: I Guess  
GA: With Such A Gracious Offer  
GA: Any Acceptance On My Part Would Surely Be Inevitable  
GA: And Any Resistance Would Simply Be Energy Wasted  
GA: Scattered Like Miniature Starbursts In A Futile Struggle Against A More Glorious Cosmos  
GA: Would It Not  
GG: um...   
GG: wow, i cant tell if that answer is super classy or just weirdly fatalistic  
GA: What Code Should I Be Expecting  
GG: hmm  
GG: how about  
GG: ASSORTED PRE GERMINATION GENESIS KERNELS LABELLED IN ADORABLE STICKERS  
GG: and  
GG: TRAGICALLY MANGLED ARTICLE OF ATTIRE WITH TRACES OF ANIMAL VISCERA  
GA: Okay That Seems Suitably Convoluted  
GA: Thank You GG  
GG: oh no no  
GG: the pleasure is all mine!  
GA: Indeed  
GG: :D  
  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] left the private session.  
gardenGnostic [GG] closed the private session. 

> Days in the future, but not many...

CG: AND THEN MY GENIUS OF A NEIGHBOR MANAGED TO GET HERSELF BLOWN UP.  
CG: SO THERE I AM, TRYING TO MAKE MY WAY BACK TO MY HIVE BEFORE SUNRISE, WHILE THIS RABID MANTICORE LUSUS SPEWS ITS TOXIC GRIEFRAGE DEATHQUILLS AT EVERYTHING WITHIN A TEN MILE RADIUS.  
CG: MY ENTIRE LAWNRING TURNS INTO BIOHAZARD GROUND ZERO OVERNIGHT.  
CG: MY LUSUS GETS AN EYE STABBED OUT.  
CG: I END UP CULTIVATING AN ENTIRE ASSFUL OF MANTICORE QUILLS.  
CG: AND I'M WONDERING HOW MY NIGHT CAN GET ANY WORSE.  
TT: A fatal mistake, to be sure.  
CA: yeah thats the thing about lousy situations see  
CA: nevver ask howw it can get lousier  
CA: the univverse wwill alwways find some neww and creativve wway to screww you ovver thats like rule number one of lousy situations  
CA: so wwhat happened  
CG: WELL, I'M JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.  
CG: YOU KNOW, LIKE A NORMAL UPSTANDING CITIZEN.  
CG: FINALLY, I REACH MY FRONT DOOR.  
CG: ONLY TO FIND THAT SOME SALIVATING BRITTLEBRAIN WENT AND DEFACED MY UNWELCOME MAT WITH THEIR GODDAMN DIRTY LAUNDRY.  
CG: GUYS?  
CG: HELLO?  
CA: oh uh  
CA: sorry i guess i wwas just wwaitin for more  
CA: is that it  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IS THAT IT"?  
CG: IT WAS BLOODY AND GROSS AND COPIOUSLY CRUSTED WITH DRIED BLOOD, AND NASTY AND GROSS AND FUCK, DID I MENTION THE BLOODSTAINS, THEY WERE DISTURBING AS ALL HELL, I SWEAR MY EPIDERMAL COATING GREW MINIATURE LIMBS AND STARTED FUCKING CRAWLING.  
TT: Oh, yes.  
TT: How very grotesque, to be assaulted by the damnable phenomenon of unwashed clothing.  
TT: I think we can all agree that this is the most singularly heinous event to have happened to you thus far.  
CG: HA. HA. HA.  
CG: WHY DON'T YOU BOTTLE UP THAT HIGHBROW SNARK AND STUFF A CRYSTAL STOPPER IN IT. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A GRAINSTALK THAT BREAKS THE HUMPBEAST'S BACK.  
CG: I MEAN, SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF MANTICORE APOCALYPSE TO SLATHER A PAIR OF PANTS IN BLOOD AND DRAPE IT LOVINGLY ALL OVER MY DOORSTEP.  
CG: IF I ACTUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH ANY OF MY NEIGHBORS, I'D HALF-SUSPECT IT TO BE SOME KIND OF WEIRD AND OBSCURE CALIGINOUS RITUAL.  
CG: EMPHASIS ON WEIRD.  
CG: I MEAN, WHO EVEN DOES THAT?  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] joined the session.  
  
TG: well crabcheeks gotta say im flattered you find me so inimitable  
CG: WHAT  
TG: but to go crowing about our romantic exploits on a public forum  
TG: for shame  
TG: have you no respect for my virtue  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
TG: im not a kiss and tell sort of guy i thought you knew that  
TG: and to think i spent all that time preparing those sweetass pants for you  
TG: making sure they matched your eyes  
CG: HOW THE BLISTERING GRUBSMOKING *HELL* DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE?????  
  
twinArmageddons [TA] banned turntechGodhead [TG] for 20 hour(s).  
  
TA: w0w cg, way t0 flip y0ur shit int0 the g0ddamn strat0sphere.  
CA: yeah it doesnt take a fuckin genius to figure out he wwas trollin the crap out a you  
CA: its basically the only thing that grotfaced groundgrubber evver does  
CG: OH  
CG: YES. TROLLING.  
CG: RIGHT.  
TT: Frankly, I'm surprised it wasn't the first conclusion you arrived at.  
TT: You've certainly evicted him enough to gain, at the very least, passing familiarity with his behavioral patterns.  
CG: STFU.  
CG: IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I WAS A BIT TOO BUSY BEING EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZED TO TURN ON THE COMMON SENSE VALVE IN MY SPONGE PIPES.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION SURFING THE NAUSEATING WAVES OF DYSPHORIA, COURTESY OF ASS POISONING VIA BERSERKER LUSUS.  
TT: Hmm. I'll concede that point.  
TT: Speaking of which, do you require assistance on that front? I'm sure AT would know something about the toxicology of manticore venom.  
CG: NO  
CG: NO, I'M GOOD.  
CG: I'LL BE HAPPY IF I NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN ABOUT TOXINS, THAT GUY CAN BE DOWNRIGHT TERRIFYING.  
CG: TO BE HONEST I JUST WANTED TO VENT A LITTLE.  
CG: I'M PRETTY MUCH DONE NOW.  
CG: SO IF THERE'S ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO ADVERTISE THEIR SLAPSTICK MISFORTUNES, DON'T LET ME STOP YOU.  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] joined the session.  
  
AG: Soooooooo I guess that means I can take the floor?  
CA: wwell wwell wwell look wwho it is  
CG: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ALIVE.  
CG: COULD IT BE THAT YOU'RE FINALLY READY TO CUT THE CRAP AND STOP SKITTERING AROUND LIKE AN EVASIVE NUT CREATURE?  
CG: WOW!  
CG: IT'S A GENUINE MIRACLE!  
CG: SOMEONE HOLD MY JAW FOR ME, BECAUSE IT JUST SNAPPED CLEAN OFF MY FACE IN PURE SHOCK.  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG] for 1 hour(s).  
  
TT: Forgive him.  
TT: He's not quite in the right state of mind at the moment.  
CA: i dunno he seemed pretty damn normal to me  
TT: What did you want to say, AG?  
AG: Well.  
AG: I've got this pro8lem!  
AG: And.  
AG: This is the place to ask questions that you can't ask anyone else, right?  
TT: I suppose that is an adequate summary of our mission statement.  
TT: What is your question?  
AG: I guess I'm just wondering.  
AG: I mean, I gotta do this right, you know?  
AG: 8eing my aristocratic gentlewomanly self and all!  
AG: So I want to know if, like, in general... there's a proper procedure or something.  
AG: For when, you know.  
AG: ...  
AG: What are you supposed to do when your lusus dies?  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] is no longer idle.  
  
CC: O)( man.  
CC: Glubbing FINALLY, am I rig)(t?  
CC: Boy )(ave I been GILL--ED UP and R----EADY FOR T)(IS!!!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. "circa 100 BC" - wherein BC stands for Before Condesce. It seems that Aradia will overcome her aversion to capitalization for the sake of historical acronyms.


	3. The Princess

> CC: Friendlead.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] started a private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added apocalyspeArisen [AA] to private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added twinArmageddons [TA] to private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added golgothasTerror [GT] to private session.  
  
TA: cc?  
TA: b0y is this a weird ass gathering.  
TA: cc what are y0u even d0ing.  
CC: Wait a moment, TA. I'm NOT DON-E Y-ET!  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added gallowsCalibrator [GC] to private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to private session.  
  
AG: ........  
AG: Okay, I'll 8ite.  
AG: What the HELL is this?  
CC: )(ang on!  
AG: Oh no you don't!  
AG: 8efore you so rudely interjected, I was in the middle of a deeply personal epiphany. A critically significant junction of my character development!  
AG: You don't get to interrupt my very important pro8lem just to tell me to "hang on"!  
AG: Just who do you think you are?  
CC: Look, I am just )(ere to )(elp.  
CC: A perfectly benign )(atefriendleader, at your service.  
CC: But if you absolutely must know...  
CC: I am also YOUR UPCOMING SOV-ER-EIGN GODD-ESS! So you'd better CLAM IT UP, P-EON!  
CC: Does t)(at answer your question? 38)  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added terminallyCapricious [TC] to private session.  
  
AG: ::::|  
AG: Lame.  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added tentacleTherapist [TT] to private session.  
  
CC: W)(ew. All done.  
TT: Warmest greetings, Ms. Culler.  
CC: H-ELLO TO YOU TOO MISS T-ENTACL-ES!  
TT: This is quite the eclectic collection of personalities you've corralled here.  
TA: yeah, n0 kidding.  
TT: It really makes one wonder.  
TT: What whimsically manic fate do you have in store for us today?  
TC: a prayer to that, seasister.  
TC: LET'S HEAR WHICHEVER DREADFICKLE MANIA YOU'RE GETTING TO BE DROPPING ALL CLEAN DOWN ON OUR NUGBONES, PRINCESS.  
AG: Oh god, it's this guy again.  
AG: Gr8, just super gr8.  
TT: Problem?  
AG: Lower those hackles, TT, I really don't care that much.  
CC: A)(---EM.  
CC: To answer your question TT, TC...  
CC: I've CORAL-ED you all )(ere for a very important reason.  
CC: It may not seem like it at first, but every one of you )(ave somet)(ing in common!  
CC: Can anyone guess w)(at it is? 38)  
TA: ugh, cc.  
TA: really n0t in the m00d f0r juvenile guessing games.  
CC: YOU'R-E T)(-E JUV-ENIL-E SPOILSPORT.  
CC: Come on, live a little! Guess! >38O  
TA: well clearly we're all fucked up in s0me s0rt 0f mutual way that 0nly y0u can perceive.  
TA: are we all mentally handicapped?  
TA: d0es every0ne here have s0me s0rt 0f mental dis0rder that i've f0rg0tten ab0ut 0n acc0unt 0f having a shitty glitched up brain?  
CC: Geez, quit worrying, DUMMY! Your memory's fine.  
CC: Guess again!  
CC: Anyone?  
GA: This Common Denominator That You Allude To  
GA: Is It That  
GA: We Are All Trolls  
CC: 38|  
TT: A groundbreaking observation.  
GA: Im Sorry But I Can Think Of Literally No Other Quality Of Similarity Within This Patchwork Cult Of Association  
GA: Unless We Include The Fact That We Are All Members Of Sufferers Anonymous  
GA: But Somehow That Feels Like Cheating  
GA: And May Even Be Untrue Besides  
GA: When Accounting For The Gaping Position Of Vacancy GT Left Behind Ever Since The Incident  
AG: The incident?  
GA: No Not The Incident The Incident  
AG: ::::?  
GA: Ok You Cant Tell Because Of My Typing Quirk But Those Last Two Words Were Emphasized  
GA: Consider Them Double Capitalized  
CC: We're kind of getting off topic, guys!  
TC: chill, sister. that ain't no fixless misery.  
TC: LET ME GO ON HOW I COULD BE ALL HELPING US OUT HERE.  
TC: if i'd have to guess on what common fibers been tangled in our faith tissues  
TC: WELL IT'S MOTHERFUCKING SIMPLE, SEE.  
TC: we're all of us done up in the same mystery sauce what this swill of miracles is brewed at, all sharing round the unknowable feast of wicked gaiety, all fine and strange as is fearing and proper like.  
AG: Is he even speaking in the same language anymore?  
TC: AND EVEN THE NONBELIEVERS DOWN TO THE MOST STONEFACED OF HEATHENS  
TC: are a part of this.  
TC: THIS GRAND MIRACLE OF LIFE.  
TC: this celebration  
TC: OF MIRTH. :o)  
TC: and despair. Do:  
CC: Wow, TC!  
CC: You always say t)(e weirdest t)(ings. I can never tell if you're being serious or not!  
TC: I'M AS SERIOUS AS A MOTHERFUCKIN TWITTERSPASM OF DELIRIA.  
CC: )(e)(e)(e good one!  
CC: But let's stop being stupid for a moment.  
CC: And swim on over to more ----EXCITING waters!  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] changed session name to 'GROUP T)(-ERAPY!! TOPIC: Living Wit)(out A Lusus'.  
  
TT: Ah.  
TA: g0ddammit.  


> TT: Slam it.

tentacleTherapist [TT] started a private session.  
tentacleTherapist [TT] added timaeusTestified [tt] to private session.  
  
TT: Hello.  
TT: A moment of your time, if you will.  
TT: Peradventure, I'd venture into rhyme, riff and skill.  
TT: Oh, well - that is, unless you're disinclined?  
tt: Like hell.  
tt: I'm finer than fine.  
TT: Sublime.  
TT: Then at your behest, I'll address  
TT: The first mess I'll have you divest.  
TT: Despite your oft-expressed impression of an assessment verily complete,  
TT: Tonight's core evidence suggests my guess is not necessarily obsolete.  
TT: Before the game is afoot, thou still let'st slip, no?  
TT: I request this game of chess commence.  
tt: Alright. Come at me, bro.  


> CC: Expound.

CC: AG came to us wit)( a problem, guys!  
CC: From w)(at it looks like, somet)(ing terrible )(appened to )(er lusus.  
CC: Am I rig)(t?  
AG: Right.  
AG: It was horri8le and completely unexpected.  
AG: And f8tal.  
CC: And you must miss )(er terribly! 38(  
AG: ...Right!  
CC: It's okay to miss )(er, you know.  
AG: I guess.  
AG: Or, yeah.  
AG: Sure.  
AG: Whatever! I just want to know what I need to do to fix all of this and 8e my normal 8adass self again.  
AG: Everything is weird now. It wasn't supposed to go like this.  
CC: W-ELL, t)(at's t)(e t)(ing!  
CC: All of us )(ave some experience living wit)(out a lusus.  
CC: We know w)(at it's like.  
CC: Consequently, I believe it'd be a good idea to tell our stories!  
CC: Let AG know s)(e's not alone.  
CC: T)(is is an obstacle anyone can overcome!  
TA: 0k s0unds great.  
TA: wait n0, i lied, it s0unds c0mpletely g0dawful.  
TA: b0nus p0ints f0r the wtf-w0rthy guest list.  
TA: aa? gt?  
TA: gt hasn't been ar0und in like an entire sweep.  
TA: as f0r aa, since when did she qualify as having "experience living with0ut a lusus"?  
TA: and h0w the hell w0uld y0u even kn0w, it's n0t like she talks t0 y0u.  
TA: 0r any0ne.  
CC: S)(e talks to -EB.  
CC: And I'm pretty sure -EB once mentioned AA's lusus was dead.  
TA: cc, eb 0nce said that HIS lusus was dead.  
TA: but what d0 y0u kn0w, 0nly yesterday he was c0mplaining ab0ut all the grubcakes his lusus keeps baking him.  
TA: fr0m bey0nd the grave, apparently.  
GA: Ugh Why Would He Even Lie About That  
TA: eh, i dunn0, pr0bably s0me kind 0f prank.  
TA: that kid has the dumbest sense 0f hum0r.  
TC: a sinworthy slandermess of a crime if I ever been seeing one.  
TA: uh. right.  
TT: Odd choice of invitees aside, I think our esteemed hostess has an admirable idea.  
CC: W)(y t)(ank you!  
TT: One thing remains curious, however.  
TT: What, pray tell, do you mean by "group therapy"?  
TT: Are we to probe one another for vital weaknesses in the psyche? Besiege that which is vulnerable, penetrate that which is sensitive, all the while praying our own emotional sovereignties remain intact as we attempt to psychologically dismantle each other?  
TA: ...tt, can y0u d0 every0ne a fav0r and never say any 0f th0se w0rds ever again.  
CC: W)(oops, sorry TT. Didn't mean to muddy t)(e water!  
CC: You're talking about traditional interpretations of t)(erapy.  
CC: But I want to redefine w)(at t)(erapy means in troll society!  
CC: After I become empress, t)(erapy will be used for medicine instead of torture.  
CC: T)(erapists will use t)(eir keen perception to alleviate mental stresses instead of diving into t)(em and making t)(em worse!  
CC: And maybe as a species we'd be more stable.  
CC: Turn t)(e tides, you know. Less likely to be fig)(ting all t)(e time, more likely to be constructive!  
CC: W)(at do you t)(ink? 38)  
TA: w0w cc, that's...  
AG: Weird!  
GA: Pale  
TC: TREASONOUS.  
TT: Adorable.  


> ==>

tt: Hey, you still there?  
tt: You've been soundless awhile.  
tt: Left me hanging in midair, movin' groundless in style.  
tt: You impaired? Unprepared? Foundless in wiles?  
tt: Are you scared when compared to mine, I'd find your rhymes  
tt: Wanting improvement, flaunting a movement too boundlessly vile?  
TT: Good sir, have care. Or doubtlessly I'll  
TT: Choose to accuse your skewed sense of prognosis, your tensive psychosis.  
TT: And in the meanwhile, dialing down the abuse,  
TT: Allow me to disabuse you of your erroneous views.  
TT: Excuse -  
TT: - my distraction, but our resident president set her own rendezvous.  
TT: Do you understand my attraction?  
TT: A venue pursued under her purview;  
TT: A new avenue to perceive and peruse our person of interest,  
TT: Who, I can attest,   
TT: Has already confessed her distress - as I guessed, a nature maternal.  
tt: That's purely external.  
TT: You'd profess to discern all that's veiled as internal?  
tt: Hardly. That's just foolhardy.  
tt: But can we agree,  
tt: That it's sort of suspicious, for as a vicious, or an ambitious dame as she, a blueblood in name and a blueblood in game, to gamely proclaim her issues upfront?  
tt: Always spittin' mad evasive, now suddenly blunt?  
tt: That shit ain't persuasive. It's an obvious front.  
TT: Your case is not baseless. This, I won't confront.  
TT: But ere I bespeak my chance to critique,  
TT: Let us satisfy this intrigue, first and foremost; my hostess is speaking.  
tt: Of course. A toast to your sea queen.  
tt: (Sarcastically speaking. I'm a reasonable dude, I'm committin' no treason.)  
tt: In between your sneaking 'round that fishgal you're smitten on, keep me posted on anything noteworthy you're submittin' on.  
TT: Then I'll go and do that.  
tt: And I'll hold you to that.  


> ==>

TA: f0r the rec0rd, i still think this is an awful idea.  
TA: i mean this shit is kind 0f pers0nal.  
CC: Don't worry, TA! You don't )(ave to glub about anyt)(ing you don't want to.  
CC: In spite of w)(at a LAM-E W-EAKSAUC-E FIS)(BAIT OF A PLAN T)(AT IS.  
AG: Pfffffffft.  
TA: w0w d0n't spare my feelings 0r anything, cc, tell me what y0u really think.  
CC: Clam down, I'm just pulling your frond. 38)  
CC: If it makes you feel better, I'll go first!  
AG: W8, you too?  
AG: 8ut I thought you were...  
CC: ?  
AG: Never mind.  
CC: Glubs)(rug, w)(atever you say.  
CC: ANYWAY!  
CC: I love my lusus very muc)(! S)(e is bassically t)(e greatest.  
CC: But in a way, s)(e isn't really MY lusus.  
CC: I remember w)(en I was just a tiny dumb wiggler, discovering t)(at I was actually s)(aring my lusus wit)( )(er Imperious Condescension.  
CC: And I realized I would need to compete wit)( our very own empress for my lusus' approval!  
TT: I hate when that happens.  
CC: )(a)(a)(a. But don't get me wrong! I wouldn't )(ave it any ot)(er way.  
CC: It's kind of fun actually.  
CC: Makes life more -EXCITING. 38D  
CC: -Even t)(oug)( sometimes I )(ave to live alone.  
CC: Gl'bgolyb can't waste too muc)( time on me w)(en s)(e's got an empress to support as well!  
CC: -Everyone )(as an important job to do.  
CC: Besides, I got used to t)(e solitude life pretty quickly.  
CC: And you will too, AG. I'm absolutely S)(OR-E of it! 38)  
AG: ...  


> AG: Be skeptical.

arachnidsGrip [AG] started a private session.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] added caligulasAquarium [CA] to private session.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] added tentacleTherapist [TT] to private session.  
  
AG: Maaaaaaaan, just when I think you weirdos can't get weirder, one of you manages to outweird the weirdness threshold!  
CA: wwhat  
CA: im sorry wwas that supposed to mean something to me  
TT: No, I believe I understand.  
TT: This is about CC, is it not?  
TT: And her... unusual mannerisms.  
AG: Ha, underst8ment of the sweep! More like completely 8izarre!  
AG: Is she even for REAL?  
AG: Legitim8 question!  
CA: wwoah calm your hairy spiderlegs wwhat is evven your problem wwith cc  
AG: What isn't????????  
AG: There's that entire niceness shtick, for one.  
AG: It's not even, like, 8land GG style niceness.  
AG: Just this sort of...   
AG: Inconsistent niceness? Like she can't make up her mind on how to project her lame faker attitude.  
TT: Interesting.  
TT: Are we sure CC is the one who's projecting in this instance?  
AG: Wow, snooty 8luestocking taunts with a side of psycho8a88le!  
AG: That's so cute it's almost not boring.  
TT: I ever aim to please.  
CA: so  
CA: is there a point to this convversation or did you just drag us ovver to rail on cc and wwaste our time  
CA: you knoww wwhat they say  
CA: time is money and conquest and dead enemies  
CA: dead enemies dont groww on trees  
CA: and as royalty our time is wworth more than evvery foray a mass destruction undertaken by yourself and all your ancestors combined  
AG: Don't you get it?  
AG: This is EXACTLY what I'm talking a8out.  
AG: Take a look at that perfectly normal conversation we just had. Full of healthy amounts of vitriol!  
AG: So what the hell is up with CC?  
AG: I mean, you two seem pretty normal to me, so it's clearly not a sea dweller thing.  
TT: You may be confusing niceness with capability, or lack thereof.  
TT: Believe me, the two qualities are not as correlated as one might expect.  
AG: But it's not just the du8ious niceness!  
AG: Man, it's like...  
AG: She has the weirdest ideas a8out how the world works.  
AG: I can't tell if she's just trolling or what.  
AG: And her typeface color!  
AG: Is that a joke?  
AG: Someone like her can't seriously 8e the heiress, can she?  
CA: wwell obvviously not  
TT: Why not?  
CA: uh  
CA: are you serious  
AG: ::::?  
CA: wwhy the hell  
CA: wwould the heiress of trollkind be putzin around in a place like this  
TT: I don't know.  
TT: To address a problem she had? Because problems are things that most people tend to incur at some point in their lives?  
TT: To interact with people who have managed to catch her fleeting interest?  
TT: To better gauge the mentality of those whom she may one day reign over?  
TT: To fend off boredom?  
TT: Would you like me to go on?  
CA: wwell those are all vvery nice reasons but you ovverlook something important  
CA: sufferers ANONYMOUS hello is this name ringin a bell tt  
CA: evveryone knowws theres only one heiress  
CA: tellin all and sundry about your single membership status is no wway to uphold anonymity  
TT: Ah, but that's what makes it so brilliant.  
TT: Sometimes the best way to conceal a truth is to tell the truth.  
TT: Or rather, misleading others so that the truth resembles a lie.  
CA: says the freak wwith a contortionist thinkpan  
CA: pretty sure no one else has a twwisty enough brain to interpret it from that angle  
CA: cc included  
TT: But you must admit there is a possibility.  
CA: microscopically  
CA: downright negligible  
AG: So........  
AG: In conclusion........  
AG: No one knows shit.  
TT: I suppose that is an adequate summary of our conversation.  


> GA: Share.

GA: And That Is The Paraphrased Version Of How She Died  
GA: The Moral Is That One Should Always Be Sensibly Prepared For Sudden Gruesome Tragedy  
GA: Do Not Let Sentiment Inspire Hesitation To Partake In The Flesh Of Your Fallen Loved Ones  
GA: Someone Or Something Will Eat Them Eventually So It Might As Well Be You  
GA: Leftover Parts That Are Inedible May Also Prove Useful  
GA: As A Purely Hypothetical Example The Exoskeleton Of A Virgin Mother Grub Can Be Applied As Wearable Armor  
GA: Not That I Would Know Anything About Virgin Mother Grubs Specifically But Dressing Myself In My Own Guardians Body Parts Has Helped Me Not Die On Multiple Occasions  
GA: Also If You Live In A Luminous Climate It Is Advantageous To Avoid Leaving The Bones Lying Around Where They May Encounter Excessive Solar Radiation  
GA: Else Your Loved One May Reanimate And You Will Have To Kill Her All Over Again  
AG: I didn't even know that was a thing.  
AG: Guess I lucked out, living in a murky sort of place?  
GA: Well Yes If Your Climate Is Generally Overcast  
GA: Then You Need Not Worry About That Particular Aspect  
GA: Okay So That Was My Story Who Is Next  
CC: Wait, GA!  
CC: I appreciate your practicality, but...  
CC: You still need to talk about your -EMOTIONS!  
GA: Um  
GA: Do I Have To  
CC: Don't worry, GA.  
CC: You can be open!  
CC: You can R-ELAX!  
CC: T)(is session is a SAF-E SPAC-E!  
CC: So tell us, )(ow do you F-E-EL?  
GA: I Am Starting To Feel Very Uncomfortable  
CC: Good, t)(at's a start!  
CC: W)(at else?  
  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] left the private session.  
  
CC: ...GA?  


> Outsider: Troll your coolkid.

techiesGimlet [TG] started trolling grinningCrusader [GC]  
  
TG: yooooo terizzle  
TG: i got a little smth 4 u  
GC: OH? DO GO ON  
TG: put on yo crimefightin boots  
TG: and like  
TG: dramatically adjust ur shades in the moonlight  
TG: imma aid & abet your love affair w justice  
GC: HOW POS1T1V3LY SORD1D  
GC: T3LL M3 MOR3 >:]  


> TA: Share.

TA: my lusus?  
TA: he was alive.  
TA: then he died.  
TA: the end.  
TA: there i t0ld my bullshit s0bst0ry, are y0u happy.  
CC: TA, you're kind of putting a DAMP-ER on t)(e overall ambience of patience and acceptance I am trying to cultivate.  
TA: hey newsflash cc, it was already pretty ruined with0ut my help.  
TA: this is depressing.  
TA: als0 where the fuck is gc and tc?  


> GC: Follow up with your newest tenant.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] started a private session.  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] added terminallyCapricious [TC] to private session.  
  
GC: TC 1 N33D 4N UPD4T3 ON YOUR ST4TUS  
TC: gallowsister.  
TC: WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK IS UP?  
TC: can't help but notice you ain't been nosing down in this jabberwock of a pale tinted talk session alongside the rest of us.  
GC: WH4T  
GC: WH4T S3SS1ON  
TC: THE ONE AT WHICH EVEN THE PRINCESS IS GETTING HER JAM ON.  
TC: getting her jam on real harsh.  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3  
GC: OH  
GC: TH4T  
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY 1 C4NNOT 1NDULG3 1N WH4T3V3R HOP3L3SSLY DOOFY SH3N4N1G4N CC COOK3D UP TON1GHT  
GC: 1 4M TOO BUSY!  
GC: 4ND YOU W1LL B3 TOO 1N 4BOUT T3N S3CONDS  
GC: SO STOP NOODL1NG 4ROUND W1TH THOS3 LOS3RS  
GC: 4ND T3LL M3 WH3R3 YOU 4R3  
TC: CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING SAY.  
GC: OH MY GOD 4R3 YOU LOST  
GC: HOW 4R3 YOU 3V3N LOST? YOU 4R3 3QU1PP3D W1TH 1NT3RN3T 4ND PR3SUM4BLY G3OLOC4T1ON PR1V1L3G3S  
TC: correction.  
TC: WON'T MOTHERFUCKING SAY.  
TC: not that going on about that noise is easy business.  
TC: WHAT WITH YOUR DIRECTIONS ALL SCRUTABLE AS AN ENDLESS COSMIC DISASTER.  
GC: WOW SHUT UP  
GC: MY D1R3CT1ONS 4R3 4M4Z1NG  
GC: 4LSO QU1T B31NG SO P4R4NO1D!  
GC: 1 DO NOT W4NT TO K1LL YOU  
GC: TH3R3 4R3 B3TT3R W4YS OF K1LL1NG P3OPL3 TH4N G1V1NG TH3M SH1TTY M4PS 4ND FR33 HOUS1NG  
GC: B3S1D3S  
GC: 1 W1LL KNOW WH3R3 YOU L1V3 SOON3R OR L4T3R  
TC: can't kick the paranoia while you're getting your creep on, sister.  
GC: SUCH UNW4RR4NT3D HOST1L1TY TH1S 1S  
GC: TRULY 1T 1S H34RTBR34K1NG  
GC: 1 DONT S33 HOW W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 FR13NDS 1F YOU R3CO1L FROM MY OL1V3 BR4NCH L1K3 1M BR4ND1SH1NG 4 PULPY R3PT1L14N SPL33N 1N YOUR D1R3CT1ON  
TC: ;o(  
GC: BUT S3TT1NG TH4T 4S1D3  
GC: DONT FORG3T TH4T YOU OW3 M3, M1ST3R!  
GC: TH3 HOUS1NG M4Y B3 FR33 BUT MY 4SS1ST4NC3 1N F1ND1NG 1T 1S NOT  
GC: SO ST4RT T4LK1NG  
TC: MOTHER  
TC: fucking  
TC: FINE.  
  
terminallyCapricious [TC] started sharing location with gallowsCalibrator [GC]  
  
GC: D4MN 1T  
GC: YOUR3 ST1LL TOO F4R 4W4Y TO M4K3 4 D1FF3R3NC3  
TC: :o?  
GC: N3V3R M1ND  
GC: W3 W1LL ST1CK TO TH3 OR1G1N4L R3LOC4T1ON PL4N  
GC: BUT K33P 4N 3Y3 OUT FOR 4NY 1NT3RLOP3RS!  
GC: 4NY FUNNY BUS1N3SS 4ND YOU R3PORT STR41GHT TO M3  
GC: GOT 1T?  
TC: will do.  
TC: BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING AT YOU WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING POINT IS  
TC: well then i gotta be asking.  
TC: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL THIS SNEAKWHIMSY FOR?  
GC: WH4T 4M 1 DO1NG?  
GC: WHY TH4T 1S V3RY S1MPL3, TC!  
GC: 1 4M HUNT1NG  
TC: hunting?  
GC: 4 MONST3R  
GC: >:]  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] closed the private session.  


> TT: Share.

TT: My turn, is it?  
TT: Where to begin...  
TT: The truth is that my story is woefully byzantine in nature. And as I am loathe to subject to you to the gratuitous idiosyncrasies that bestrew my personal life, I will endeavor to be brief.  
TT: After all, you don't need me to weave a grandiose saga that laboriously details the precise chronology of this ongoing monomyth, starring the trials and tribulations of some narratively generic protagonist.  
TT: So I won't tell you the tragic origin story of the woebegone sea dweller, orphaned at youth by dark forces unfathomable to his wide-eyed sensibilities.  
TT: I won't describe to you the tortured existence of the incipient adolescent, with their every angst-ridden conflict of selfhood dramatized to laughable extent.  
TT: I won't chronicle the misadventures of the edgy maverick, who reconciles her dysfunctional childhood via an endless game of passive-aggressive one-upmanship against her nominal caretaker.  
TT: No; I will be honest, and succinct, and skip straight to the moral of these wretched fables.  
TT: The nuclear family is a lie.  
TT: What do I mean by this?  
TT: Biologically speaking, a lusus naturae releases ectohormones crucial to a young troll's development, affecting everything from physical growth and nutrient cycling, to gender identity and secondary sex characteristics.  
TT: But after primary physiological maturation, the developmental hormones stabilize, thereby rendering the troll self-sufficient.  
TT: Nobody physically needs a lusus at that point.  
TT: As for matters of the heart, the best you can hope for is lukewarm respect before the iron fist of reality backhands your feeble pedestal into a bottomless pit of disillusionment.  
TT: So you see, AG, you needn't worry.  
TT: Living without a lusus is easy.  
TT: And if you desire to make it even easier? To alleviate the uncomfortable hollow in your chest, to satiate the serpentine voice that whispers to you of your inadequacy, your shortcomings?  
TT: Seek out the perpetrator.  
TT: Exact retribution.  
TT: Savor the sweet acrimony of revenge.  
TT: Let that black feeling drive you forward, until everything in the way of your personal justice has melted to oblivion in the fires you've stoked, alongside all the irons you've carefully nursed within.  
CC: ...  
TT: That's my advice, anyway.  
TT: Hope it helped.  
AG: That is...  
AG: Very conventional of you.  
AG: I don't know what I was expecting.  
AG: You speak from experience?  
TT: If only.  
TT: She plays the part of the absentee lusus remarkably well, but Horrormom is nonetheless still very much alive.  
CC: TT...  
AG: Wait, so what the fuck was all that up there?  
TT: A thought experiment.  
TT: I like to fantasize about my lusus' death, sometimes.  
CC: TT! 38(  
TT: Is that not normal?  
CC: I don't know. Maybe for you!  
TT: Oh _my_.  
CC: Look, I don't mean to get my fins in a twist. But I just don't believe t)(is kind of input is super )(elpful at the moment!  
TT: On the contrary, I strive to be nothing less than obscenely helpful.  
TT: A modus operandi utterly alien to me, of course. I must be doing it wrong.  
TT: Woe.  
TT: Perhaps a certain princess can reach out to my wicked black heart and show me the true meaning of helpfulness?  
CC: Um, w)(at?  
TT: Tomorrow at sunset?  
TT: I believe I have an availability. And I'd love to see your residence.  
TT: What say you?  
CC: 38|  
TT: ;)  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] removed tentacleTherapist [TT] from private session 'GROUP T)(-ERAPY!! TOPIC: Living Wit)(out A Lusus'.  


> ==>

AG: Oh my god, were you just hitting on her? You were totally hitting on her!  
CA: wwhat the hell  
CA: im not doin anything  
AG: Not you, dum8ass! I meant TT, tentacleTherapist.  
CA: is this about some privvate session im not privvy to  
CA: dammit no one evver tells me anything  
TT: It was a friendly invitation.  
AG: Yeah, you were real friendly there, inviting yourself to someone else's hive.  
CA: wwhose  
CA: oh wwas it cc  
CA: i suddenly understand evverything  
AG: Ah ha! So this happens often?  
CA: yeah its practically ritual by noww  
CA: tt maybe ease up on the hyperaggressivve suitor routine  
CA: i feel like its startin to border on harassment  
TT: Thank you, I will keep that in mind.  
AG: First the psycho clown, now the questiona8ly authentic fish princess.  
AG: What next?  
AG: Any 8lacker leanings, may8e? Shouty capslock guy? Mustardletters?  
TT: Well, this initially fascinating discussion has atrophied quite nicely into frenzied speculation of my love life.  
TT: As my presence is clearly hindering your attempts at behind-the-back gossip, I'll take my leave.  
AG: Hey, I'm not trying to 8ehind-the-8ack anything!  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] left the private session.  
  
AG: Fine, 8e that way. Not like I really gave a shit.  
AG: Whatever happened to the no-romance rule, is what I want to know.  
CA: no romance rule  
CA: wwhat in the evverlovvin detritus smearin seagherkin are you yammerin about  
AG: The "unspoken no-romance rule" that timaeusTestified was talking a8out?  
AG: Oh w8. That was a priv8te session, ha, joke's on you.  
CA: bite my vventral fins wwitch  
CA: and stop talkin to me like i magically knoww about all your privvate convversations  
CA: for one thing magic is some straight up wwiggler coonside fairytale bogus  
CA: for another that kind a presumption is shameful rude but then again wwhat did i expect from a mudscummer  
CA: so  
CA: no romance rule you say  
CA: timaeustestified wwas it  
CA: wwell thats a laugh  
CA: dont get me wwrong the guys pretty good wwith science for a land dwweller and i respect him wwell enough  
CA: but hes more emotionally stunted than a soggy piece a rotting driftwwood  
CA: completely projectin his baggage and suchlike  
CA: a little embarrassin really  
AG: 8aggage? You mean, like... romantic 8aggage?  
CA: eh thats not my laundry to air  
CA: ask him yourself if youre feelin suitably nosy enough  
CA: anywways if thats all im signin out  
CA: got this criminally long application to wwork on  
CA: royal astronautics academy if youre wwonderin  
AG: I wasn't.  
CA: so yeah its been terrible talkin to you but destiny calls  
AG: Sure, I guess. It was terri8le talking to you, too.  
CA: oh i assure you the abhorrence wwas all mine  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] left the private session.  


> ==>

TT: Apologies abounding.  
TT: At risk of sounding duller,  
TT: I suspect I've resoundingly miscolored dear Ms. Culler's peerlessly confounding ideology,  
TT: With respect to all of these pathologies of family etiologies.  
tt: Damn, TT, fall at ease.  
tt: Collar these apologies.  
tt: How 'bout we refine the speed, solidly ramp up the beat and alter the velocity?  
tt: Tripped up on psychology and doxic methodology -  
tt: Fuckin' gee, wouldn't it be just positively great to free  
tt: Up this weight? Let's not debate. Don't hesitate. Accelerate this colloquy.  
tt: So pick up the pace and let's cut to the chase.  
tt: The race is on, game face is on. Hit  
tt: Up cyberspace and place your typeface on it.  
tt: No one's hot on a reason for a whiny-ass sonnet.  
tt: So what's got the bees in your briny-ass bonnet?  
TT: Fine. I've withdrawn it.  
TT: My two-word apology.  
TT: Which, as far as I can see, has raised ablaze your ire on me,  
TT: Inspired you to type a speech, to typify my brevity - apparently, in dire need.  
tt: Yeah. It's irony.  
tt: You wanna try and answer me?  
TT: Well, then,  
TT: I graciously,  
TT: And cordially,  
TT: Inviteth thee to 'check it.'  
TT: On my session's eve I've found myself summarily  
TT: Rejected.  
tt: Ouch.  
TT: Deflected.  
tt: Wow.  
TT: Ejected.  
tt: Okay.  
TT: Neglected.  
tt: You done?  
TT: Etc., etc.-ed.  
tt: How the hell do you pronounce that?  
TT: It's subjective.  
TT: And I might as well announce that  
TT: While CC has thrown me out to sea,  
TT: I've no ounce of doubt to plea on my previous accounts,  
TT: Pertaining to AG, who spouts wounded honesty (well, insecurity) of astounding amounts.  
TT: Outed as bound in contrarian sound, like grievous adhesive - around and around, a ceaselessly peaceless old merry-go-round;  
TT: And this I have found  
TT: To double the foundation of what I can say about another  
TT: Troubling relationship with a layabout mother -  
TT: Invested in digestive juices of arachnid description;  
TT: I rapidly deduced an abusive lusus confliction.  
TT: Sure enough, this eviction has only toughened my conviction.  
TT: It's rough; maternal affliction meets emotional friction.  
TT: No bluff, no malediction of Con-descendant jurisdiction  
TT: Can snuff my predilection for psychological prediction.  
TT: And if you try to rebuff it?  
TT: I invite you to stuff it.  
tt: Holy shit, Miss Muffet.  
tt: Slowly sit your ass back down on that tuffet  
tt: And give a nice long side-eye to the spider aside ya.  
tt: It's going, "Fuck, Dr. Shrink, 's there even a think pan inside ya?"  
tt: Not tryin' to deride ya, but why so perplexed? Look, this is a textbook case of a guilt complex booked by a narcissist.  
tt: Are you parsing this?  
TT: Yes, of what a farce this is.  
tt: Just how far is it that I have to go to drag you into the know?  
tt: Wipe the static from your aquatic listening dough and listen up, bro.  
tt: This one's a classic.  
tt: Tale as old as sin, it's practically jurassic:  
tt: A blueblood scholastic, run-of-the-mill, angling for a fun-of-the-kill mangling.  
tt: She swaggers, bombastic.  
tt: Thinks it'll be fantastic but that's where she's wrong.  
tt: 'Cause then shit gets graphic, and the magic is gone.  
tt: Passing out caskets packs a taxingly tragic dynamic.  
tt: Conforming to classist caste norms ain't classy or romantic.  
tt: And if she's candid with the heart she charts,  
tt: That's the part where she starts to panic.  
tt: So there you have it, emphatic, don't take it for granted:  
tt: She's commanded by the high-handed super-ego of your Freudian Trio.  
TT: Again with this spiel?  
tt: Hey, what's the deal?  
tt: I thought Freud was in your crowd.  
tt: Or am I not allowed to think out loud?  
TT: Oh, you're allowed.  
TT: But let it be known that I am wholly without doubt  
TT: For what Troll Freud may have to say about  
TT: This avowed 'super ego' with which you're endowed.  
tt: Ow.  
tt: Sick burn, Doc.  
tt: But let's settle to a stop for a spot.  
tt: I've got a certain kettle to introduce to your pot.  
tt: You think you've nocked this, marked and on lock,  
tt: But that school of thought's parked 'long your longtime blind spot.  
tt: It's like you've got tunnel vision when it comes to this position.  
tt: Someone mentions a mom and there's sweat on your palms, your penchant for calm wrecked and bombed to submission.  
tt: And sure, your blundering's funny but it's got me all wondering.  
tt: Are you even aware?  
tt: That mommy issues aren't the only problems out there?  
TT: Worthwhile to ask. Yet I can't forbear  
TT: A smile cast through twilit air.  
TT: Might I suggest your words unfair?  
TT: Or shall I cite a certain mare?  
TT: Your hoofbeast mom, whom you'd prefer  
TT: As born a "him" instead of "her"?  
tt: Sorry, sir, but I abjure  
tt: This pure and utter horse manure.  
tt: You don't know jack about that, so don't talk smack about that.  
tt: Maplehoof is awesome. That's axiomatic fact.  
tt: So backtrack and pack up your cracked hack rendition.  
tt: You lack the tact and facts to track my attack of derision.  
tt: Understand? I'm not wracked by your brand of indecision.  
tt: Indecisive.  
tt: Undecided.  
tt: Every day a crisis.  
tt: If you wanna hit the high seas  
tt: To go and chase a Pisces,  
tt: That shit just won't suffice, see?  
tt: Vacillate, equivocate - you're gonna pay the price someday.  
TT: What sage advice to throw my way!  
TT: A scholar's fair in fare gourmet.  
TT: But hypocrisy abounds, and hence,  
TT: Your maxim makes a poor entrée.  
TT: In hive of glass, to seek offense,  
TT: Risks ill rebound of moral sense.  
TT: For truisms neither hearten nor  
TT: Engender faith in words of orange.  
tt: Hey.  
tt: How about we call a ceasefire.  
TT: Why, are you ready to retire?  
tt: Stop rapping, I'm serious.  
tt: My mandated passive aggression quota for the day has been sufficiently inundated. Any more and I'm going full on BSOD, 404 errors all over the map.  
TT: I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.  
TT: All the aggression expressed above seemed fairly overt to me.  
tt: Really?  
tt: You just handed me the rhyming baton with "orange" stamped on the end in flowery lavender shit.  
tt: It doesn't get more passive aggressive than that.  
TT: ...Right. Sorry.  
tt: No problem.  
TT: I'll talk to you later, then?  
tt: Sure.  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] left the private session.  


> CC: Salvage the tattered remains of this pseudotherapy session.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] started a private session.  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to private session.  
  
CC: Greetings!  
AG: This is stupid.  
AG: Can't you just talk to me in, you know, the other priv8te session you set up?  
CC: For goodness sake, all I said was )(i! No need to be so RUD-E.  
CC: T)(e ot)(er session is winding down, anyway.  
CC: And I actually contacted you to apologize.  
CC: Our very first experiment in neo-t)(erapy was... a little more awkward t)(an I'd envisioned!  
CC: But t)(at's okay, because I'm sure we'll all get B-ETT-ER in time!  
CC: I )(ope you will join us next time, too. And I )(ope you found today's discussion )(elpful!  
CC: If you )(ave any more questions or just want to c)(ew t)(e blubber, feel free to message me any time.  
CC: I'm always willing to lend an earfin! 38)  
AG: Alright, that's it.  
AG: What  
AG: The HELL  
AG: Is your angle?  
CC: 38O  
CC: I'm not angling for anyt)(ing!  
CC: )(oly carp, AG, I'm just trying to be nice.  
AG: Yes! I know!!!!!!!!  
AG: You're nice! TOO nice.  
AG: You're gr8tingly nice to everyone until suddenly you're not, and it's really goddamn suspicious!  
AG: Your act is so forced, I dou8t a half-pup8ted wiggler would 8e fooled.  
AG: This entire faux-therapy nonsense, centered on ME?  
AG: Oh, please! What a fucking transparent ruse.  
AG: Even if it wasn't already o8vious from the way you kept micromanaging everyone for your own am8iguous purposes,  
AG: No one would 8e that nice without an agenda. Not to me.  
AG: You're looking for something, everyone always is!  
AG: And since there's no way you actually give a fuck a8out me, what is it you REALLY care a8out?  
CC: )(-EY NOW!  
CC: Quit making assumptions about me! >38(  
CC: I do too care about you!  
AG: YOU D8N'T EVEN KN8W ME.  
AG: I 8M A LITER8L STRANGER.  
CC: -Except maybe even strangers can BOND OVER S)(AR-ED TRAUMA, YOU STUBBORN BLOCKFACE.  
CC: I care about you! I care about -EVERYONE!  
CC: IT'S PRACTICALLY MY JOB!!!  
AG: Well, sorry if I hesit8te to 8elieve you're actually the fucking heiress!!!!!!!!  
AG: Do you think I'm the kind of chump who'll swallow every tall tale that spews out of every anonymous internet hellhole?  
AG: And 8onding, you say!  
AG: You can't FORCE people to 8ond, you overly pushy asshat.  
AG: People aren't plastic wiggler toys you can just smash together to create SUDDEN FRIENDSHIP.  
AG: You know what I think?  
AG: I think you care more a8out the IDEA of caring a8out people than you actually care a8out people!  
AG: 8ecause if you did care, you'd have noticed that GA didn't want to talk a8out her feelings with you and TA didn't want to talk at all and MAY8E THEY DIDN'T APPRECI8TE YOUR R8FUSAL TO ACC8PT THAT!  
CC: That's... that's not true!  
AG: Instead you ignored GA and scolded TA and kicked TT to the cur8 when she 8ecame inconvenient, and man, I don't even like TT 8ut I still think that's pretty d8mn cold!  
AG: So 8ravo, friendleader!  
AG: Surprisingly nasty of you, I'm impressed!  
CC: I'm telling you, it's NOT LIKE THAT!  
AG: And shared trauma, you say!  
CC: ARE YOU -EVEN LISTENING TO ME?  
AG: As if our situ8tions AREN'T completely different.  
AG: Don't act like you can pretend to understand everything a8out me 8ecause you really don't.  
AG: Last I checked, your lusus isn't dead!  
CC: OH FINE!  
CC: You're right. She's not dead.  
CC: But sometimes it feels like she MIGHT AS WELL BE!  
CC: I haven't seen her in sweeps.  
CC: SWEEPS!!!!  
CC: And I don't know if I'll EVER see her again because I CAN'T VISIT HER  
CC: And I worry about if she's getting enough food even though I always HATED the feeding part, do you KNOW how glubbing hard it is to KEEP HER HAPPY, do you know how it FEELS?  
CC: I don't particularly LIKE killing people's moms or dads or whatever and I tried to avoid it but I have a RESPONSIBILITY and SOMETIMES SHITTY THINGS HAPPEN AND LIFE SUCKS.  
CC: Oh look! There, I said it!!  
CC: LIFE SUCKS AND YOU JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP, SUCKERS!  
AG: I  
AG: Huh.  
CC: Earlier on, I said I wouldn't have it any other way.  
CC: That it was fun and exciting to live like this.  
CC: I try my hardest to keep a positive attitude, but... honestly?  
CC: It's lonely.  
CC: I miss her.  
CC: In retrospect, I think I just wanted to talk about it. Or, maybe, just listen to other people talk about it.  
CC: It's less lonely when you know there are people who understand.  
CC: So when I heard about your lusus, I thought  
CC: ...Well.  
CC: I guess you were right.  
CC: I kind of had my own agenda after all.  
CC: I'm sorry.  
CC: 38(  


> ==>

tentacleTherapist [TT] joined the private session.  
  
tt: Have you sufficiently regained your chill?  
TT: My chill has been located whence it had wandered, adrift and disoriented, amongst the dark velds entrenched in no man's land.  
TT: It was subsequently reprimanded for getting lost so easily. I have grounded it and revoked its internet privileges.  
TT: The question remains: have you regained yours?  
tt: I'm good.  
TT: Good.  
TT: Sorry about the Maplehoof thing. I understand I prodded at a sore point.  
TT: It's a bad habit of mine.  
tt: 'S cool.  
tt: Not like I wasn't needling you on your own shit.  
tt: I should have known to back off when you starting busting out the iambic tetrameter, though.  
tt: You always retreat into more structured forms when you're on edge.  
TT: Do I?  
tt: All the time.  
TT: Hm.  
TT: I suspect we have too much material on each other for an all-out repartee.  
tt: Yeah, probably.  
tt: The moment one of us starts dropping bombs, it's gonna be mutually assured destruction.  
TT: Then, in the interest of saving trollkind from nuclear holocaust,  
TT: Shall we declare the result of this match a draw?  
tt: On one condition.  
tt: Next time, we rap about ponies.  
TT: ...Done.  


> ==>

AG: Hey, you stopped doing your dum8 quirk thing.  
CC: Huh?  
AG: Never mind.  
AG: I'm just thinking.  
AG: May8e they weren't so different after all?  
CC: What are you talking about?  
AG: Our situ8tions.  
AG: You see  
AG: 8efore my lusus died, she was...  
AG: Kind of a 8itch! Haha.  
AG: Just this huge fat spider.  
AG: Always hungry.  
AG: Always fussy, fussy, fussy with her food.  
AG: Damn was she hard to please!  
AG: Really hard.  
AG: As in, she would only ever deign to sink her prissy fangs into literally ONE very specific kind of food.  
AG: What a fucking gourmet, am I right?  
CC: Wow. Really? Only one?  
AG: Yes, really.  
CC: Gl'bgolyb ate almost anything I fed her.  
CC: What did your lusus eat?  
AG: Heh.  
AG: Long story short, I got pretty good at killing troll kids.  
CC: Oh.  
AG: Yeah.  
AG: Hey, can you keep a secret?  
CC: Of course!  
AG: Secret is, I'm like you.  
AG: Spidermom was a tough, nasty piece of work. She was the terror of the neigh8orhood. Everyone h8ted and feared her.  
AG: I guess I looked up to her?  
AG: I mean I only modeled my entire identity off of her, what do I know.  
AG: 8ut having that strong of a lusus comes with a lot of responsi8ility...  
AG: Haha, I get the sense I'm preaching to the choir here.  
CC: A little bit!  
AG: 8luntly put, I also h8ted the feeding part.  
AG: Afterwards, I always  
AG: Ugh, this feels so wrong to say. If you tell anyone I'm going to track you down and kill you myself!  
AG: 8ut I think... each time I fed her... it messed me up a little? Just a tiny 8it.  
AG: Does that make me a 8ad troll?  
AG: Does it make me a wimp?  
AG: This isn't normal, is it?  
AG: I'm a 8lue8lood. I'm supposed to 8e strong. I can't mope around feeling... 8ad, of all things, a8out perfectly justified killing!  
CC: For what it's worth, I'm a fuchsia and I think I'd definitely feel bad if I had to kill that many troll kids.  
AG: So what does this mean?  
AG: Are 8oth of us just weak, then?  
AG: Or just...  
AG: Transitioning.  
CC: Hehe.  
AG: 8ut is it even possi8le to transition from something like this?  
AG: How do you 8ecome strong when the pro8lem is you?  
CC: I don't know.  
CC: Do you ever wonder what strength really is, though?  
CC: I mean, I'm certainly no academonic!  
CC: But sometimes "strong" seems like an empty word that can be arbitrarily filled in by whichever qualities happen to be valued the most in our society.  
CC: Ruthlessness, violence, conquest...  
CC: If we redefine our values, can we redefine what strength is?  
AG: Is this 8efore or after your plan to redefine therapy? ::::P  
CC: Hahaha!  
CC: It doesn't have to be before or after anything!  
CC: A good empress can multitask. 38)  
AG: Still not convinced you're who you say you are, 8y the way.  
AG: 8ut I suppose I will have to take your word for it.  
AG: Thanks CC.  
AG: For listening. And talking.  
AG: I mean, precisely jack squat of my pro8lems were resolved 8ut it's weirdly cathartic to just vent.  
CC: You're always welcome!  
CC: And sorry for unloading on you earlier.  
CC: I usually have a lot more self control than that.  
AG: Hey, no pro8lem.  
AG: If you ever need to unload again  
AG: If you want  
AG: You could talk to me? ::::O  
AG: I'm told that, ahem, "IT REALLY ISN'T HEALTHY TO BOTTLE UP ALL YOUR SHIT LIKE THAT", so.  
AG: May8e we could do this again sometime?  
CC: That actually sounds...  
CC: R-E-ELY ----EXCITING, )(A)(A)(A!  
AG: Aaaaaaaand it's 8ack.  
CC: YOU B-ET YOUR BARG-E IT IS!  
CC: And )(---EY! T)(anks for )(elping me get my act toget)(er. 38)  
CC: An empress needs to be assertive but sometimes I get pus)(y and it can be difficult to tell if I take it too far!  
CC: I'm glad I've got someone to talk it over wit)( now!  
CC: I'll see you around!  
CC: BY-----E!  
CC: <>  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] left the private session.  
  
AG: You  
AG: That is  
AG: Holy shit  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Writing rap. Has slain me. _How do people do this for a living._
> 
> 2\. I'm going to go ahead and assume "mom" and "dad" are congruous with standard troll lexicon? We get things like Crabdad and Spidermom but then Terezi's never heard of the word "parents."


	4. Indigo Heir

SON.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU WERE ABLE TO CLEAR OUT THE HEAVILY FORTIFIED STORAGEBLOCK.  
  
I KNOW IT WAS NOT EASY. BUT IN THE FACE OF ALL OBSTACLES, YOU HELD YOUR HORNS UP HIGH AND SOLDIERED THROUGH.  
  
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. 

> ==>

SON.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO ENGAGE A PSYCHICALLY REINFORCED SCUTTLEPORT DOOR, AND PULVERIZE IT BEYOND REPAIR.  
  
YOU HAVE TRULY GROWN INTO A STRONG AND DEPENDABLE YOUNG MAN. NEVER HAVE I BEEN MORE PROUD. 

> ==>

SON.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU WERE ABLE TO REPAIR THE TWO WHEELED DEVICE WITHIN THE SHATTERED SCUTTLEPORT.  
  
YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A TROLL OF STRENGTH, INTELLIGENCE, AND HONOR.  
  
I AM SO, SO, PROUD OF YOU. 

> EB: Gripe.

EB: argh!  
EB: my lusus is at it AGAIN.  
EB: save me, TA. you are my only hope.  
EB: also, the only active person online.  
EB: on the public board, at least.  
TA: g0d eb d0 y0u ever st0p whinging ab0ut y0ur lusus?  
TA: als0, n0.  
EB: omg.  
EB: no seriously dude, look at this.  
  
ectobiologist [TG] shared a file: thisisstupid.png  
  
TA: n0pe.jpg  
EB: wow really?  
EB: i am drowning in a sea of ridiculous notes and endless grubcakes, and you do not even lift a finger.  
EB: so cold, TA.  
EB: i am terminating this friendship. you are dead to me.  
TA: uh huh.  
TA: are y0u sure y0u can't just save y0urself, mister STR0NG INDEPENDENT TR0LL.  
EB: oh man, don't even!  
EB: i am so sick of reading those words.  
EB: i mean, i know that's kind of our thing here.  
EB: but none of the crap i do is even remotely related to, like, strength and stuff?  
EB: they're just dumb things i do in my spare time.  
EB: he's always making everything such a colossal fucking deal and it's just so frustrating!  
EB: you know?  
TA: d0 i?  
TA: HMM what a questi0n.  
TA: i'm just the guy with a burned 0ut empathy sp0nge and a dead lusus.  
TA: y0u tell me.  
EB: :(  
EB: ok sorry.  
EB: that is fair.  
EB: ...i am not entirely sure how else to respond to that.  
TA: ehh.  
TA: y0u're fine.  
EB: if you say so!  
EB: but there was another reason i wanted to talk to you besides making a total ass of myself.  
TA: yeah y0u menti0ned.  
TA: y0u wanted t0 c0mplain t0 s0me0ne, i was the 0nly 0ne 0nline.  
TA: L0GIC.  
TA: i'm seri0usly sh0cked aa isn't ar0und th0ugh, n0rmally y0u tw0 are j0ined at the hip.  
TA: what am i, y0ur shitty aa substitute?  
TA: haha W0W eb am i really feeling the l0ve here!  
EB: oh my god you grumplord!  
EB: just, no, okay?  
EB: i mean yeah, AA is busy with something but that's not the reason i was talking about!  
EB: why are you always on her case, anyway?  
EB: it's like you're trying to shanghai me into taking sides, except hey, newsflash!  
EB: BOTH of you are my dumbass friends!  
EB: i don't want to pick between anyone.  
EB: and i definitely don't want to mediate!  
EB: that would be weird!  
TA: w0ah sl0w d0wn eb y0u're acting like i just ashen pr0p0sed t0 y0u.  
TA: i pr0mise my issue with aa has n0thing t0 d0 with y0u 0k.  
EB: oh.  
EB: well...  
EB: good!  
TA: yeah.  
EB: ...cool!  
TA: c00l.  
EB: ...  
TA: ...  


> AA: Initiate conversation.

apocalypseArisen [AA] started a private session.  
apocalypseArisen [AA] added grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to private session.  
  
AA: ok  
AA: in retrospect i probably should have set this up sooner  
AA: im a little out of practice so sometimes im just not too sure about these things  
AA: things regarding appropriate behavior that is  
AA: but  
AA: i believe  
AA: this way runs the least risk of interruption  
AA: since we last spoke i have conducted extensive research  
AA: and i feel compelled to share my findings  
AA: for you see those of our kind though admittedly diverse are bound in a certain camaraderie  
AA: because  
AA: its hard  
AA: and no one else understands  
GA: Uhh Why Are You Talking To Me  


> TA: What is with this awkward silence? Break it. Break it now.

TA: uh s0 why ARE y0u talking t0 me?  
EB: huh?  
EB: oh yeah.  
EB: almost forgot!  
EB: TA, i am in need of your awesome hacking skills.  
EB: can you find me a name?  
TA: a name?  
TA: l00k eb i'm n0t g0ing t0 vi0late the privacy 0f any 0ur members, n0t even f0r y0u.  
TA: the wh0le 0f s.a. is f0unded 0n an0nymity, it w0uldn't w0rk if any0ne had any reputati0n t0 l0se, and i am sure as hell n0t wasting sweeps 0f eff0rt t0 scratch y0ur curi0sity itch, like seri0usly fuck that n0ise.  
EB: yeah i get that, but this is different!  
EB: and actually i already know the name.  
EB: i just need a trolltag.  
TA: what's the situati0n?  
EB: um,  
EB: well, i have a  
EB: friend.  
EB: a friend who has a kismesis.  
EB: except his kismesis kind of ascended and changed their trolltag and, um, forgot to tell him?  
EB: and they haven't messaged him because of...  
EB: reasons.  
EB: damn it, this sounded less stupid in my head.  
EB: also i think i'm making my friend sound like a creeper who's aggressively chasing after a bad breakup?  
EB: i swear they're both totally legit in-hate and everything!  
TA: ehehehehh 0h g0d eb i am basically cracking up 0ver here.  
TA: that weakslime "i have a friend wh0 has this pr0blem" c0p0ut is the 0ldest trick in the b00k.  
EB: uh. i don't know what you're talking about?  
TA: didn't kn0w that tt ascended th0ugh, s0 that's news.  
EB: woah, what?  
EB: TT?  
EB: or the other...  
EB: oh my god.  
EB: no!!!!!  
EB: geez TA get your pan out of the gutter!  
EB: i do NOT hate him like that.  
EB: and he has literally nothing to do with this situation!!!  
TA: 0k 0k c00l y0ur jets.  
TA: pm me their name, i'll l00k it up.  
TA: y0u can pay me back later, y0u kn0w the usual deal.  
EB: ...done.  
TA: fuck that's a c0mm0n name.  
TA: age?  
EB: sent it.  
TA: bl00d caste.  
EB: mmhm.  
TA: gender.  
EB: hang on.  
EB: uhhhh.  
EB: my friend doesn't know!  
TA: h0w the hell d0es he n0t kn0w the gender 0f his 0wn kismesis?  
EB: shrug.  
EB: i dunno?  
EB: but you gotta admit gender can be pretty complicated.  
EB: especially for trolls who weren't around their lusus a lot when they were still growing up, i think?  
EB: i mean, just look at TT.  
EB: her gender keeps changing!  
EB: and then there's GC.  
EB: oh, and GT.  
EB: i remember talking to him a lot about stuff like this!  
EB: when he was still around, i mean.  
EB: hmm. i wonder where he is now?  
EB: i hope he's doing well, wherever he is.  
EB: he was a funny dude.  
EB: also weird as hell.  
EB: but nonetheless a funny dude.  
TA: 0k while y0u were rambling i f0und them.  
TA: bam sucka, what n0w.  
EB: woah already?  
TA: yep.  
TA: just sent y0u the inf0.  
EB: thanks TA!  
EB: man. those hacking skillz of yours?  
EB: they are so sweet.  
EB: the sweetest.  
TA: ehehe, i guess.  
TA: i mean, i c0uld be better.  
TA: y0u kn0w when y0u slam it d0wn like y0u're h0t shit but kn0w y0u're n0t actually that great, it's kind 0f like that.  
TA: n0 wait that s0unded super lame and insecure, didn't it.  
TA: ugh  
TA: can we just  
TA: pretend i didn't say anything.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined the session.  
  
CG: COLOR ME DISGUSTED. THIS DITHERING MODESTY DOESN'T SUIT YOU, NOOKWIPE.  
CG: THE FACT IS THAT IT SUITS YOU SO POORLY, IT DOESN'T EVEN COME IN YOUR SIZE.  
CG: YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP TRYING TO SQUASH YOUR EGO BLOATED BUTTOCKS INTO THOSE XXS HUMILITY PANTS AND ACCEPT THE GODDAMN COMPLIMENT LIKE A CIVILIZED PERSON.  
EB: hi cg!  
TA: y0u spewed all that 0ut within 5.2 sec0nds 0f j0ining the sessi0n.  
TA: did y0u have that pre-written?  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TA: n0t t0day, h0ney.  
CG: FASD;LKJFAWOIEFJSDK  
EB: pffft, nerds.  


> ==>

AA: is it really so strange that i would speak to you  
GA: Yes  
AA: oh  
AA: why is that  
AA: if i may ask  
GA: Its Just A Little Weird  
GA: You Rarely Interact With Anyone Other Than EB  
GA: And Occasionally CA I Guess  
AA: people generally dont talk to me  
GA: Yes Because You Dont Generally Talk To Them  
AA: yes  
AA: because  
AA: well likewise  
GA: This Is Starting To Become Very Silly  
GA: Can We Not Gyrate In Circular Arguments Pursuing Elucidation On The Precise Existential Progenitor Of This Metaphorical Cluckbeast Or The Egg Scenario Because I Will Sever This Thread Of Conversation And Maintain That It Is Shellcreatures All The Way Down So Allow Me To Reiterate My Initial Statement  
AA: sorry im not sure i followed that  
GA: Why Are You Talking To Me  
AA: im talking to you because i felt that you needed someone to talk to  
AA: about your situation  
GA: Ok That Is A Brazen And Borderline Scandalous Assumption  
AA: is it  
AA: why arent you on the public board  
GA: Why Arent You  
AA: something about cluckbeasts and shellcreatures i assume  
AA: next question  
AA: are you getting enough to eat  
GA: I Dont Care To Answer That  
GA: You Are Neither My Lusus Nor My Moirail  
AA: ah yes your lusus  
AA: question three  
AA: your lusus was a virgin mother grub was she not  
GA: Why Do You Know This  
GA: Also Why Is This Suddenly A Lightning Round  
AA: dont worry the species of your lusus was never explicit  
AA: but it was implied  
AA: and i am a historianathema  
AA: ive learned to read in between the lines  
GA: Thats A Very Dangerous Profession Are You Sure You Should Be Telling Me This  
AA: perhaps not  
AA: but there is very little i fear  
AA: ga  
AA: do you understand how rare a virgin mother grub is  
AA: as a lusus  
GA: I Understand It Is Uncommon  
AA: far beyond uncommon  
AA: it has no documented precedent  
GA: What  
GA: Are You Serious  
AA: yes  
GA: Damn It  
GA: What Is The Point Of Anonymity  
GA: If I Am All But Announcing My Single Membership Status To All And Sundry  
AA: actually i think youre safe  
AA: the fact that its a single membership status is not common knowledge  
AA: or even completely true  
GA: What Do You Mean  
AA: history is purged with each new iteration of the ruling caste  
AA: its a form of censorship  
AA: further cementing the new empress as undisputed authority over all aspects of life  
AA: and weakening the possibility of straggler support for previous rulerships  
AA: obscurators are deployed  
AA: all official sources are eradicated  
AA: books burned  
AA: documents and records destroyed  
AA: data erased  
AA: have you ever wondered why your schoolfeeding never covered eras before the condesce  
AA: have you ever wondered why the occupation of historianathema is so heavily stigmatized  
AA: well this is the reason why  
GA: I Am Now Positive You Should Not Be Telling Me This  
AA: so while there are no other recorded instances of a virgin mother grub lusus in the AD era  
AA: that is  
AA: After Deletion  
AA: it is not unheard of in the BC era  
AA: that is  
AA: Before Condesce  
AA: in fact it was quite a natural phenomenon  
AA: essential to the propagation of the mother grubs and thus the entirety of the trollish race  
AA: your lusus must have told you this at the very least  
AA: so i presume you have one or more matriorbs  
GA: ...  
GA: ...  
GA: How  
GA: Do You Even Know All Of This  
AA: i have very good primary sources  


> ==>

EB: so, cg.  
EB: how are you doing?  
CG: INTERNALLY HEMORRHAGING FROM MY OWN FESTERING RAGE, WHILE MARINATING IN THE ANXIETY SAUCE THAT LIFE SLATHERS ONTO HER OVERINDULGENT MIDDAY SNACK.  
CG: SO, THE USUAL.  
CG: MORE SPECIFICALLY I'VE ALSO BEEN TRYING TO COAX GG OUT FROM HER DUMBASS CAVE OF SOLITUDE AND SELF-FLAGELLATION.  
CG: ALSO THE USUAL.  
EB: oh man. :(  
EB: is she okay?  
CG: SAVE YOUR OH MANS FOR NOW. SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.  
CG: EVENTUALLY.  
CG: CONDESCE KNOWS THIS HAPPENS OFTEN ENOUGH. THAT GIRL FALLS IN PITY WAY TOO DAMN EASILY.  
EB: i think she had it pretty bad this time, though.  
EB: like...  
CG: LIKE HOW SHE WAS PRACTICALLY SHITTING DIAMONDS ALL OVER AG'S SPIDERY ASS?  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW.  
CG: I FOR ONE DON'T SEE WHAT THERE IS TO GET ALL TWINKLY EYED OVER THAT MACABRE PIECE OF WORK BUT I GUESS THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.  
CG: SO, WHOOP DEE DOO, WHILE THE HEIRESS IS FROLICKING WITH HER NEW PITY PAL, I'VE BEEN STUCK ON BEST FRIEND DUTY WITH THE METAPHORICAL GRUB CREAM AND OBLIGATORY MOVIE MARATHON.  
EB: :(  
EB: it's kind of sad.  
EB: GG is so nice, but none of her pale crushes ever seem to work out for her.  
EB: i mean, do you remember that thing with AT?  
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: YES.  
CG: IT WAS PAINFUL.  
CG: I HAVE NEVER, TO THIS DAY, SEEN SOMEONE GET FLUSHZONED QUITE SO SPECTACULARLY.  
EB: it was pretty brutal alright!  
EB: hmm.  
EB: maybe i should go talk to her?  
CG: WHAT  
CG: ECTOBIOLOGIST DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE LEAD HER ON.  
EB: i meant talking in a friendly way!  
EB: aurgh, that is like the third time tonight i've been accused of sneaky romantic shenanigans.  
EB: geez.  
EB: why does everything have to be about romance all the time?  
EB: can't a couple of trolls be really close friends without having to be involved in some sort of quadrant?  
CG: PUTTING ASIDE YOUR WIGGLER GRUMBLINGS, YOU MAY FIND IT DIFFICULT TO CONTACT HER RIGHT NOW.  
CG: IT'S HER OFF DAY.  
EB: off day?  
EB: ...do you have her schedule memorized or something?  
CG: HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE THIS OBLIVIOUS WITHOUT HAVING SUFFERED SOME SORT OF LOBOTOMY???  
CG: ONLINE / OFFLINE / ONLINE / OFFLINE / ET FUCKING CETERA  
CG: SHE WAS ONLINE LAST NIGHT, SO SHE'S OFFLINE TONIGHT.  
CG: ASIDE FROM BEING BIZARRELY PRECISE, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.  
EB: huh.  
EB: i never noticed that!  
CG: FACEPALM COMBO X2  
TA: x4  
CG: HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE.  
EB: hahaha!  
TA: w0w typical.  


> ==>

CA: gc  
CA: urgent  
CA: listen i studied your application  
CA: and i talked to an auspistice of a moirail of a friend wwho wworks in admissions  
CA: bottom line  
CA: prompt three is a stinkin trap ok theres no wway they wwant a real essay on the howw youd get around a rigged jury  
CA: if a jury is rigged there is a damn good reason you dont wwant to be stickin your grotesquely powwerful nose into that can a fishmeal  
CA: there is such a thing as bein too good a legislacerator and theyll definitely be prunin out upstarts that get too quizzical  
CA: lookin at this mess i swwear you fuckin penned the chironiclers illiad  
CA: erase it  
CA: erase it noww  
CA: and  
CA: if you can uh  
CA: let me knoww wwhen youre done lookin at mine okay  
CA: i swwear half a these are trick questions and i need your help sniffin them out  
CA: go ahead and take your time respondin i mean im only ascendin in a perigee wwhats the rush  
CA: gc  
CA: g c  
CA: g  
GC: She isn't here at the moment.  
CA: c  
CA: uh  
CA: wwho is this  
GC: I should think it's you who ought to be fielding that question, hmm?  
CA: im her fuckin friend wwho are you wwhere is she  
GC: Let's see.  
GC: Violetblood, judging from the color of your font.  
CA: wwhat  
CA: look i asked you a question  
CA: twwo questions  
GC: And from the syntactic mess above, it appears you were discussing applications for post-ascension tertiary eduction.  
CA: god damn it  
GC: Incidentally, Terezi approached me earlier with a question on the RAA. I thought it odd at the time.  
CA:   
CA: fuck  
GC: What, I asked myself, could a tealblood possibly want to do with an institution whose applicants are restricted to seadwellers?  
GC: It's for you, isn't it?  
GC: You're the one applying.  
GC: What's Terezi's favorite color?  
CA: wwoww that is just an amazin non sequitur  
GC: Answer or I'm blocking you.  
CA: screww you she likes red  
CA: noww that ivve wwaded through your unquirked malarkey could you havve the decency to get it through your skeptic cranial flap all a these danglin questions in dire need of addressment  
GC: Hmm.  
GC: Pass.  
CA: i wwill flip this goddamn table  
GC: Oh, please don't!  
GC: To clarify, I meant pass as in, "You pass."  
GC: Not as in, "I'll pass."  
GC: Sorry about all that. I didn't mean to steer widdershins of this conversation.  
GC: But I wanted to make sure you were what you said you were.  
GC: I do feel a certain responsibility, you know.  
GC: Sleuth Sisters have to look out for one another! :B  
CA: sleuth sisters  
GC: Yes.  
GC: As it so happens, Terezi is out sleuthing at the moment.  
GC: She's hot on the trail of a very dastardly criminal, indeed!  
GC: Entire neighborhives have fallen prey to this foul creature, who carves a path of annihilation wherever it treads.  
GC: What manner of being is this villain, you may ask?  
GC: Why, I doubt you'd believe me even if I cared to answer!  
CA: huh  
CA: so  
CA: it appears  
CA: that underneath the hardboiled invvestigarroter exterior  
CA: you are actually a massivve crumbly yolk nerd  
GC: Hoo hoo.  
GC: Don't mistake my showmanship for frivolity, however.  
GC: We try to take each other's projects as seriously as we can.  
GC: Speaking of which, I do have my own mysteries to attend to.  
GC: I will let you know when Terezi gets back.  
GC: Or, better yet, I'll let Terezi know whenever she gets back, and she can message you herself.  
CA: yeah that wwould be vvery helpful thanks  
GC: Well that's that.  
GC: I'll be a-skedaddling, then. Goodbye!  
CA: bye  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] left the private session.  
  
CA: fuck fuck fuck FUCK  


> TA: Redeem favor.

twinArmageddons [TA] started a private session.  
twinArmageddons [AA] added ectoBiologist [EB] to private session.  
  
TA: heads up eb i am cashing in my fav0r.  
EB: okay.  
EB: wait, right now?  
TA: n0, in fifty sweeps.  
TA: i just felt the INEXPLICABLE NEED t0 tell y0u what n0rmal pe0ple tend t0 d0 with fav0rs.  
TA: y0u kn0w, in case y0u f0rget n0rmal pe0ple things!  
TA: wait actually m0re like, in case i f0rget n0rmal pe0ple things!  
TA: ehehehehe isn't that great!!!  
EB: uh...  
EB: 0_0  
TA: 0F C0URSE right n0w y0u dungbat.  
TA: and f0r the l0ve 0f all that is unh0ly can y0u n0t use that face.  
EB: alright, sorry.  
EB: um. is everything ok though?  
EB: you seem to be in not so great of a mood all of a sudden.  
TA: i'm fine.  
EB: hmm.  
EB: well... ok. i will not press.  
EB: any specific requests?  
TA: use y0ur c0mm0n sense, d0n't be t00 pers0nal.  
EB: oh geez, i know!!  
EB: it got that the first billion times you told me.  
TA: did y0u? did y0u really?  
EB: shoosh! do you want me to start or not?  
EB: anyway.  
EB: this one isn't mine, but,  
EB: i have this one friend who spent her wigglerhood by the fire trenches.  
TA: is this the same friend wh0 s0meh0w managed t0 """"accidentally"""" set y0ur nutriti0n bl0ck 0n fire?  
EB: no, that was the flarpster nerdfriend. this is a different firefriend.  
TA: flarpster, huh? the cereal freak 0r the cheese fetishist?  
EB: the cheesefriend.  
TA: ugh this is exactly what i was talking ab0ut, y0u have t00 many friends i swear t0 fuck.  
TA: als0 st0p answering my questi0ns, h0ly shit, what the fuck did i just say ab0ut being t00 pers0nal?  
EB: i do not have too many friends! you are just a grumpster hermit.  
EB: and you're the one asking all these questions in the first place, you hoofbeast's ass!  
TA: they're g0ddamn rhet0rical.  
EB: like hell they are!  
TA: l00k i'm just saying that any marginally run-0f-the-r0tating-stalkgrinder tr0ll is g0ing t0 express s0me variety 0f c0ncern 0ver the c0ncept 0f s0me crazy blue kid hiving it up with like twenty 0ther hatefriends slash vague acquaintances slash c0mplete strangers.  
TA: tr0lls aren't meant f0r that kind 0f c0-habilitati0n.  
TA: it's unnatural.  
TA: and suspici0us.  
EB: ...concern?  
TA: w0w w0uld y0u l00k at that, i am engaging in a preemptive stfu.  
EB: concern.  
EB: d'aww.  
TA: i am seri0us, shut up.  
EB: ha, admit it, you are just being a nosy caring loserfriend while trying to avoid the fact that you are a nosy caring loserfriend.  
EB: it's okay bro. i'm not judging.  
TA: 0h fuck 0ff.  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: but i should probably get back to my story!  
EB: where was i?  
TA: friend, wigglerh00d, fire trenches.  
EB: oh right.  
EB: and you say you're worried about YOUR memory, heh.  
EB: so, fire trenches!  
EB: wait, do you know about fire trenches?  
EB: because i sure didn't!  
EB: to my knowledge it kinda works like this.  
EB: apparently even though all our trash chutes get whooshed through the fungal capillary network, sometimes rogue chemicals and gases manage to leak through.  
EB: and then they sort of spill into cracks and trenches in a big oozy chemical cocktail.  
EB: which tends to catch on fire.  
EB: i am told they explode into many different colors that change with the seasons. like trees! except they can kill you.  
EB: then again i suppose trees can kill you too.  
EB: ...hmm. actually, i do not think i know of anything that CAN'T kill you.  
EB: the stories i've heard, TA.  
EB: oh man, the stories.  
EB: moving on!  
EB: my friend used to sit on the edge and watch the trenches at night.  
EB: and she didn't live in a very urban area, so it was nothing but her and the moons and these dancing rainbow fireballs in the breezy darkness.  
EB: it was like this totally awesome fireworks show, for free.  
EB: once she even roasted swampmallows in a funny looking pistachio green fire that got tall enough to reach the surface!  
EB: she remembered the color very clearly because that was the color she puked for four days.  
EB: it all sounds really cool, right?  
EB: i think i would like to visit someday.  
EB: before, you know, i ascend and am barred from visiting on account of being a big stinky adult.  
EB: if you want, i can drag you out of your hermit mancave to see them with me.  
EB: you have got to get out more, dude! can't stay glued to your apiary network all the time.  
EB: we can take your bees if you want.  
EB: i will bring my fireflies.  
TA: y0u still use crappy firefly hardware?  
EB: hey, screw you! fireflies are awesome and old school.  
EB: also friendlier and more portable!  
TA: they get stuck in everything and it makes debugging pure hell, n0 thank y0u.  
EB: oh whatever, grumpmaster.  
EB: i will just be here in the corner with my dear, sweet baby girl.  
EB: her name is serenity.  
EB: she is a gift from troll heaven.  
EB: i fall asleep to the gentle light of her cute blinking.  
EB: she speaks to me in my dreams, TA.  
EB: it's so beautiful.  
EB: sometimes i wake up with a single tear in my eye.  
TA: 0h g0d, 0kay, please st0p.  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: i take it story time is over?  
EB: was it good enough?  
EB: i've got more if it wasn't!  
TA: n0, that was  
TA: that was g00d.  
TA: s0rry ab0ut earlier.  
TA: y0u're right, i was in a crappy m00d and i t00k it 0ut 0n y0u, i d0n't kn0w why y0u even put up with me.  
TA: are we still friends?  
EB: pft. lame question is lame.  
EB: you know why?  
EB: because we are the friendliest friends a friend could ever friend, that's why.  
EB: you are always making yourself out to be this huge worrywart grumpmeister, which i don't believe is actually true!  
EB: see, with your hacker cred it would totally be within your rights to demand, like, serious payment.  
EB: but you only ever ask for random stories and pictures and stuff.  
EB: clearly you are just one big softy underneath all those layers of grump.  
EB: you can't fool me, TA!  
TA: ...  
TA: yeah.  
TA: sure can't.  
TA: thanks eb.  
EB: no problem! :)  


> ==>

AA: are you aware  
AA: of the specifics of matriorb creation  
GA: Not Really  
GA: Although Something Tells Me You Are About To Explain It In Alarming Detail  
GA: Are You About To Explain It In Alarming Detail  
AA: well if youd rather i wouldnt  
GA: Oh No Go On Im Curious Now  
GA: Do The Exposition Thing  
AA: ah  
AA: excellent!  
AA: i love exposition  
AA: well first of all matriorb generation is a highly energy intensive process  
AA: a virgin mother grub will require sunlight  
AA: this is because sunlight catalyzes photochemical reactions that produce crucial nutrients for development of the matriorb  
AA: thus she will seek out light intensive habitats such as deserts  
AA: normally such exposure would dramatically cut short the life of any troll she is bonded to  
AA: which is a problem because the mother grub is heavily reliant on her troll to successfully hatch the matriorb and ensure the future of both trollkind and mothergrubkind  
AA: i believe that is why  
AA: in the eons of our history  
AA: certain mechanisms have evolved to maximize survivability of the daughter troll  
AA: the ectohormones that the mother grub releases will contribute to a variety of advantageous traits in the daughter troll such as improved solar resistance and better endurance  
AA: in addition to one final failsafe  
AA: which will bestow the daughter troll with an accelerated healing factor and phenomenal damage resistance  
AA: as well as bioluminescence  
AA: because on a planet where the sun is as deadly as it is  
AA: strong light is often associated with danger and therefore is a useful defense  
AA: this failsafe is triggered by heavy injury and immune response  
AA: well more than heavy injury really  
AA: it would be more accurate to describe it as  
AA: fatal injury  
AA: miss grim auxiliatrix  
AA: youve been quiet for a while now  
AA: but  
AA: i do believe you know what i am talking about  
GA: Do I Really  
GA: Im Sorry I Was Too Distracted By The Sound Of My Confusion Over How The Hell You Even Know Any Of This If What You Said Earlier Is Accurate And All Records Have Been Obliterated From Existence  
GA: And Even If It Were True  
GA: What Was The Point Of Telling Me All That  
AA: well essentially  
AA: i wished to establish a basis of connection  
AA: upon which to build understanding  
AA: and through that  
AA: perhaps rapport  
GA: Uh Okay But That Explains Precisely Nothing  
GA: I Still Cannot Tell If These Overtures Are Some Kind Of Socially Stunted Way Of Soliciting Friendship  
GA: Or Just A Weirdly Polite Form Of Blackmail  
AA: oh no  
AA: i dont want to blackmail you :(  
AA: i just think we arent so different you and i  
GA: And Yet I Am Failing To See The Basis Of Your Convoluted Reasoning  
AA: hmm perhaps i should be more blunt then  
AA: if you would indulge me on one final lightning round question  
GA: ?  
AA: how long it has been  
AA: since you died  
GA: I  
GA: Just Remembered  
GA: I Have To Go Do This Thing For A Thing About A Thing  
AA: thats a lot of things  
GA: Yes Now Bye  
AA: ga wait  
GA: No  
AA: before you go  
GA: No  
AA: i just wanted to tell you  
GA: Please Stop Telling Me Things  
AA: that i honestly dont mind if youre dead  
GA: Im Sure  
AA: no really!  
AA: far from it in fact  
AA: because  
AA: you see  
AA: im dead too!  
AA: :)  
GA: What  


> GC: Return.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined the private session.  
  
GC: FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!  
CA: uh  
CA: wwelcome back  
GC: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
CA: you okay there  
GC: UGH 1 4LMOST H4D H1M TH1S T1M3!  
GC: H1M 4ND H1S DUMB L1TTL3 PR3POST3ROUS HORNS  
GC: D4MN H1M  
GC: D4MN H1S STUP1D F4C3 4ND H1S F4NCY F33T  
GC: 1 G3T 4NGRY JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T!!!  
CA: oh  
CA: yeah  
CA: howw long havve you been huntin this guy again  
GC: TOO LONG >:[  
GC: H3 H4S K1LL3D TOO M4NY TROLLS  
GC: 1 F1ND TH3 THOUGHT OF D3L4Y1NG H1S JUDGM3NT 4NY LONG3R TO B3 MOST UNP4L4T4BL3  
GC: BUT UNFORTUN4T3LY 1N3V1T4BL3  
GC: H3 1S 4 SL1PP3RY ON3  
CA: yeah  
CA: listen sorry to cut your rant short i mean i knoww this runty assholes been grippin your nonexistent gills for roughly the past geological era and youvve stoked yourself a smokestack vventin somethin awwful  
CA: but i need to ask if youvve read any of the  
CA: prevvious messages  
GC: C4  
GC: C4N YOU SHUT UP 4BOUT TH3 4PPL1C4T1ONS FOR ON3 S3COND  
GC: 1 W1LL R34D TH3M 3V3NTU4LLY  
GC: BUT FR4NKLY SOM3 TH1NGS 4R3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT TH4N SCHOOL OK4Y  
CA: right sure uh huh thanks but  
CA: thats not quite  
CA: wwhat im  
CA: gettin at  
GC: >:?  
GC: YOU 4R3 TYP1NG 1N 4N ODDLY ST1LT3D F4SH1ON TOD4Y, M1ST3R 3LD3RB3RRY PRUN3 S4UC3  
GC: CONS1D3R MY CUR1OS1TY P1QU3D!  
GC: WH4T M4NN3R OF 1NCR1M1N4T1NG 3V1D3NC3 C4N B3 FOUND 1N YOUR M3SS4G3 H1STORY?  
CA: i dont knoww terezi wwhy dont you tell me  
GC: ......  
GC: FUCK  


> AA: Gripe.

apocalypseArisen [AA] joined the private session.  
  
AA: why is it that when the subject of postmortem existence is broached your sparing mortal sensibilities instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable  
EB: excuse me miss ghost, but i happen to find that offensive.  
AA: considering what you are  
AA: you dont count  
EB: wow, rude.  
AA: okay no wait actually  
AA: scratch everything i said about mortal sensibilities  
AA: since the offender cant even hide behind the mortality excuse  
AA: it renders my grievances somewhat invalid  
AA: or at least misdirected  
AA: clearly your worldly tethers are not a significant variable when it comes to ones receptivity regarding the corporeally challenged  
AA: or perhaps it is not a matter of biotic transience but of physical tangibility  
AA: which is so much better of course  
EB: oh shit.  
EB: what did you do now?  
AA: um  
AA: excuse me???  
AA: why would you assume i did anything  
EB: you are doing the thing, AA.  
EB: the thing where you broadcast this angry spooky vibe, and basically everything you say comes out as this hyperintellectual ghostsnark.  
EB: it is very recognizable.  
AA: ok  
AA: but why does ghostsnark translate to me having done something  
EB: well it just seems to happen a lot i guess!  
EB: i mean, whenever you try to talk to someone and it doesn't work out.  
AA: fine  
AA: you win  
AA: yes i did try to talk to someone  
AA: i thought it had been going quite well actually  
AA: until it stopped going quite well  
AA: im beginning to wonder why i even bother  
AA: one would think itd be a simple matter to contract this troll disease of friendship  
AA: but clearly im overestimating something here  
AA: whether it be the openmindedness of others or my own social competence remains to be seen  
AA: and thats really all there is to say on the matter  
EB: i don't think you can say that after you've written an essay about what there is to say about this matter!  
AA: the point is i dont want to talk about it  
AA: must we argue semantics  
EB: yes.  
EB: we must.  
EB: for you see, i have secretly been tt this entire time and so i am biologically wired to argue semanthcfj5glt olflrr''/  
AA: ?  
EB: woah.  
EB: uh.  
AA: are you ok  
EB: yeah, but my whole hive just shook!  
AA: oh  
AA: was it the angry bikefriend again  
EB: no, i don't think so? or at least it shouldn't be?  
EB: she was able to move on after i helped fix her two-wheeled device.  
EB: which wasn't easy, let me tell you! she was like the most territorial person ever.  
EB: the scuttleport will never be the sameeemfifo80 .d'..  
EB: holy shit, there it goes again.  
AA: perhaps  
AA: an earthquake?  
AA: eb you should probably protect yourself  
AA: stop drop and roll  
EB: aa, i don't think you're supposed to roll around during an earthquake.  
AA: really  
EB: yes, really.  
AA: sorry you mortals have a distressing tendency to die arbitrarily  
AA: it gets difficult to keep track of the specifics  
EB: wait.  
AA: ?  
EB: someone's outside down there.  
AA: who  
EB: hm.  
EB: i don't know!  
AA: unless i am again incorrect  
AA: i believe the appropriate safety term for this scenario is  
AA: stranger danger  
EB: pfft.  
AA: if you must meet this someone please refrain from accepting confectionery  
AA: schoolfeed instructors seem adamant on this detail  
AA: though it is strange how so much more malice would be attributed to an appleberry gumdrop than say for instance charbroiled rattleskinner poisonbroth  
EB: haha gross, you are starting to sound like my lusus.  
EB: i think i am going to say hi!  
AA: eb wait  
EB: huh, it looks like they're raising their hand?  
EB: and gjko;'il[  
EB: oh my god.  
AA: eb  
AA: eb  
AA: eb are you still there  
  
ectoBiologist [EB] is now idle.  
  
AA: ok  
AA: thats ok  
AA: everyone is always in such a hurry to stop talking to me but thats ok  
  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is now idle.  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is no longer idle.  
  
AA: well  
AA: either that or you have suddenly been incapacitated  
  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is now idle.  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is no longer idle.  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is now idle.  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is no longer idle.  
  
AA: are you still alive  


> GC: Gripe.

GC: 1 4M GO1NG TO K1LL H3R  
CA: and the caegar drops  
GC: 1 C4NNOT B3L13V3 SH3 COMM4ND33R3D MY HUSKTOP FOR H3R BUSYBODY PURPOS3S  
GC: NO W41T, 4CTU4LLY 1 C4N  
GC: TH3 ONLY UNB3L13V4BL3 TH1NG H3R3 1S HOW 1 D1D NOT FOR3S33 TH1S OUTCOM3  
GC: WH4T 4 M3DDL1NG M3DDL3 F4C3D M3DDL3R  
GC: 4ND OH MY GOD, 1F SH3 W4S SNOOP1NG FOR H1NTS TO 4DV4NC3 H3R DUMB PROJ3CT 1 SW34R  
CA: wwell to be equitable an all she actually seemed a fair bitwways more invvested in your general state a wwellbeing  
CA: you knoww like uh  
CA: stranger danger  
GC: W3LL TH4T WOULD JUST B3 3V3N MOR3 1NSULT1NG 1F 1 THOUGHT 1T W3R3 4T 4LL TRU3  
GC: BUT 1 4M R34D1NG TH3 LOG 4ND H3R MOT1V3S 4R3 P4TH3T1C4LLY TR4NSP4R3NT 4S 4LW4YS  
GC: SH3 JUST W4NTS TO PL4Y D3T3CT1V3 4ND SHOW OFF  
GC: M4K1NG 3V3RYTH1NG OUT TO B3 SOM3 SORT OF GR4ND MYST3RY 3V3N WH3N TH3 S1TU4T1ON 1N QU3ST1ON 1S N31TH3R GR4ND NOR 4 MYST3RY  
GC: 4ND TO S4T1SFY H3R 3GO SH3 THR3W MY OWN PROJ3CT UND3R TH3 31GHT WH33L3D D3V1C3  
CA: your project  
CA: wwait wwhat  
CA: are you talkin about me  
CA: is that all i am to you some kind of artsy noir project to tickle your murderhappy funny bone  
GC: OF COURS3 NOT YOU S3LF 4BSORB3D 4SS  
GC: C4LM DOWN, NOT 3V3RYTH1NG 1S 4BOUT YOU  
CA: okay wwoww i feel so much better  
GC: GOOD YOU SHOULD B3  
GC: B3C4US3 TH3 SC4L3S H4V3 JUST B33N UNB4L4NC3D  
GC: 1 SUPPOS3 YOULL B3 L3V3R4G1NG YOUR 4DV4NT4G3 NOW  
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT  
CA: i  
CA: wwhat the fuck wwhat  
GC: TH1S 1S HOW S.4. WORKS 1SNT 1T  
GC: G1V3 4ND T4K3  
CA: gc  
GC: 1 4M L4Y1NG MY G4MBL1GN4NT TOK3NS ON TH3 T4BL3  
GC: CL34R 4S NON4MORPHOUS G3MSTON3  
GC: 1TS N1C3 TO B3 STR41GHTFORW4RD FOR ONC3, 1SNT 1T?  
CA: gc no wwait listen to me  
GC: 1 4M L1ST3N1NG  
GC: YOU 4R3 FR33 TO 1SSU3 4NY 4DJUR4T1ONS  
CA: gc  
GC: DONT GO CR4ZY THOUGH! >:]  
GC: 1F 4NONYM1TY 1S TOO H1GH 4 PR1C3 TH3N 1 W1LL PROB4BLY B3 L34V1NG  
CA: gc  
CA: oh my god  
GC: S.4. 1S 4 US3FUL TOOL BUT NOT US3FUL 3NOUGH TO W4RR4NT TH4T K1ND OF TOOTH4CH3  
CA: terezi  
GC: >:[  
GC: 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S L1ST3N1NG  
CA: and im tellin you  
CA: for someone wwith a thinkpan that is usually so fuckin polished youre a dowwnright ignoramus sometimes  
CA: also i can practically feel your scaly clawws tappin awway at a response so im issuin you an adjuration to shut up for twwo minutes  
CA: an just let me  
CA: fuck  
CA: okay  
CA: listen  
CA: suspicious mystery projects aside  
CA: school applications aside  
CA: business aside  
CA: at this point youvve been puttin up wwith my dramatic bullshit for long enough i mean  
CA: youre a fun person to talk to okay  
CA: not half bad for a landscrubber  
CA: besides i doubt theres anythin your grubby dirtstain fingers are holdin that i wwould evver be keen on possessin  
CA: so wwhatevver i guess  
GC: WH4T 1S YOUR PO1NT  
CA: the point is  
CA: hi  
CA: terezi  
CA: nice to meet you  
CA: my name is eridan  
GC: 3R1D4N  
GC: JUST WH4T 3X4CTLY DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 DO1NG  
CA: balancin your goddamned scales  


> ==>

zedZeppelin [ZZ] started trolling exorcistBunny [EB]  
  
ZZ: I receive your message.  
ZZ: It is not being a nice message but  
ZZ: Is a balm nonezeless.  
ZZ: I have no awareness of his passing until zis, you see.  
ZZ: I wonder many times.  
ZZ: Now, wondering can stop.  
ZZ: Better a clean broken spade zan one zat rusts into bitter oblivion, no?  
ZZ: And he sounds  
ZZ: Extremely angry.  
ZZ: I have gladness zat zis is so.  
ZZ: If is not a trouble for you, could you relay perhaps one last message? I stop bozzering you after zis.  
ZZ: Could you tell him zat  
ZZ: I hate him.  
ZZ: I will always hate him.  
ZZ: And should his spirit find its way to eternal rest,  
ZZ: Will not make my hate burn any less fierce.  
ZZ: He is putrid darkness in my night sky.  
ZZ: Forever a black inkstain on ze canvas of my life.  
ZZ: Such an ugly mark zat, out of spite, I would not erase even if I could.  
EB: oh man.  
ZZ: I make you uncomfortable. I apologize.  
ZZ: Is unsettlingly personal topic, I understand.  
EB: no, it's not that! you're fine dude. gal. uh, friend.  
EB: sorry for spacing out.  
EB: i was just a little preoccupied with something.  
ZZ: Is fine.  
ZZ: You must be busy, yes? Society has high demand for ze qualified medium.  
EB: ha, i guess.  
ZZ: So can you relay message?  
EB: yeah, sure thing! i will definitely tell him that thing you just told me.  
ZZ: Thank you.  
EB: don't sweat it!  
EB: heh.  
EB: speaking of which, i think i am going to need more towels.  
ZZ: ...?  


> ==>

SON.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU WERE FINALLY ABLE TO ACCESS THE READING BLOCK.  
  
EITHER YOU HAVE GAINED AMAZING PROFICIENCY AT DODGING AIRBORNE PAPERWEIGHTS, OR YOU HAVE HELPED THE RESTLESS SPIRIT INSIDE PASS ON TOWARD MORE PEACEFUL PASTURES.  
  
NO MATTER WHICH CASE IT IS, I AM ENDLESSLY PROUD OF YOU. 

> ==>

SON.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU WERE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY REPLACE THE FRONT DOOR THAT HAD BEEN EXTRAVAGANTLY BROKEN BY THAT STRAPPING YOUNG LAD WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.  
  
IT IS HEARTENING TO SEE HOW QUICKLY YOU SETTLED YOUR DIFFERENCES. I BELIEVE THERE IS MUCH THE TWO OF YOU CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER.  
  
AS ALWAYS, I AM SO TERRIBLY  
  
oh my god, i am literally standing right next to you!!! you know i can see you writing this in your weird ectoslime, right?  
  
also, stop materializing grubcakes at equius! he is already freaked out enough as it is and you aren't helping!!  
  
bluhhh.  
  
this is why i don't have any offline friends who are actually alive. :(  
  
PROUD OF YOU.  
  
...yeah, i know. sorry.  
  
i wish you were still alive, too.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Happy Belated New Years!
> 
> 2\. RAA: Royal Astronautics Academy. Briefly mentioned in the previous chapter, but it's definitely been a while, so I thought I'd clarify!
> 
> 3\. Minor OCs exist, but are largely tangential to the focus of the plot. These characters will be used extremely sparingly.


End file.
